10 NFL Week 1 awards and superlatives you’ll actually care about

It’s a brand-new football season, and we all just got to spend 11 hours sitting in front of a TV watching everything from the Indianapolis Colts being perfect to the Detroit Lions falling asleep at the wheel. It was everything that we could’ve ever hoped for in a chaotic Week 1.

With all of the good and all of the bad, it's important to suss it all out and give everyone their roses and their thorns. 

The highs and lows of Week 1

Let’s start with the Sunday night game. The big thing that everyone will remember is that Josh Allen mounted a sick comeback, but Derrick Henry also had himself a game (before he fumbled).

Death wish: Cole Bishop

Historically, the Buffalo Bills have had more safeties die on the football field than any other team in the NFL. Sunday night was an excellent opportunity for them to pad those stats, and even though they tried to, (thankfully) they didn’t.

If you asked anyone how they think they would die on a football field, the most common answer would probably be, ‘Derrick Henry stiff-arming me through the crust of the Earth.’ The Bills’ safety Cole Bishop decided to play daredevil on Henry’s first touchdown of the night. 

Brother… Woof. Trying to tackle that man as you are already going to the ground is asking for a dance with the devil. Hell, at least Josh Norman had the sense to be upright when Henry chunked him back in 2020.

The best part about it is that after Bishop got his soul rejected from purgatory, he does a double-hand slap on the ground like he almost had it.

Still concussed: Tua Tagovailoa

The problem with CTE is that it can’t actually be diagnosed until the person dies. However, and this is coming from someone who’s definitely not a brain surgeon, it sure seems like there are ways to tell if someone’s brain is permanently looking like hummus. Everything that the Dolphins’ quarterback Tua Tagovailoa did on Sunday looked like he might have hummus in his skull.

The crazy thing is that the last time Tua got his noggin really rocked was almost a year ago (September 12, 2024). Google says concussion symptoms might last for up to two weeks, so this has to be a world record.

Get ready to learn UFL (again), buddy: Andre Szmyt

Getting a UFL/XFL/USFL kicker is hot right now. The Lions grabbed Jake Bates after a season where he kicked back-to-back 60+ hard field goals for the Michigan Panthers, and the Cowboys grabbed Brandon Aubrey after a season where he was 14-of-15 on field goals and 35-of-35 on extra points for the Birmingham Stallions.

The Browns tried to do the same thing when they brought in Andre Szmyt (pronounced like Schmidt) for a kicking competition. He ended up beating out Dustin Hopkins for the job over the summer. When Szmyt was with the St. Louis Battlehawks in 2024, he went 19-for-21 on field goals (they don’t kick extra points in that league), and he had a mega-long boot for 61 yards.

It turns out, he left that magic in Missouri, and he needs to go back to find it. The Browns lost to the Bengals on Sunday, 17-16. In that loss, Szmyt missed an extra point and a game-winning 36-yard field goal. Buddy… you can’t be doing that. 

Maybe Kevin Stefanski will give him a little bit of leniency and keep him around for a minute, but that’d be dumb. This dude cost them nothing (unlike the 49ers, who drafted the equally bad Jake Moody in the third round of the 2023 draft), and there is a whole gang of kickers out there who would be more than willing to come in to show they won’t blow a game for you.

You got what you signed up for: Myles Garrett

Myles Garrett had himself a game. On the Bengals' drive before Szmyt missed the game-winner, Joe Burrow was sacked three consecutive times; two of which came from Myles Garrett, and a third that you could maybe credit to him if you squinted your eyes. It was an awesome game from the guy… and it doesn’t matter at all because they lost.

If you remember, Garrett asked for a trade from the Browns the week of the Super Bowl. The most glaring part of that request was when he said, "While I've loved calling this city my home, my desire to win and compete on the biggest stages won't allow me to be complacent.”

It turns out his desire to win and compete can actually be bought for the low, low price of $40 million per year, which is what the Browns… a team that famously doesn’t win and doesn’t compete… ended up paying him. 

So, yeah. Good for you, Mr. Garrett. The sacks are nice and all, but you signed the paper that said you’re cool with it. 

That wasn’t so bad: Saints/Spencer Rattler

The expectations for the Saints this season are low. Like, the seventh or eighth circle of hell, level of low. Fortunately, that means it’s pretty easy to perform above expectations, and that’s exactly what they did on Sunday. 

This game ended up being kind of fun and coming down to the wire. Quarterback Spencer Rattler ended up putting a potential game-tying drive together where he had a couple of chances as the clock expired. 

Perhaps one of the better compliments you can give the Saints this season is, ‘Hey. Not bad, you guys. Not bad.’

One bullet wasn’t enough: Bills

Did we peak? We might’ve peaked. That Sunday night game between the Bills and the Ravens seems like it might be the best game of the season.

From about halfway through the first quarter until there were about ten minutes left in the game, the Ravens were driving the ship, and Derrick Henry was throwing anyone who threatened to mutiny into the abyss.

The Ravens were up 40-25, and got a big third-down sack on Josh Allen to force a fourth-and-16 punt. The Bills just got shot in the gut, and all the Ravens needed to do was put them out of their misery. Instead, they left them to bleed out… You never leave anyone to bleed out. 

The Ravens followed that up with a three-and-out, and then the Bills scored. The Ravens were holding onto a seven-point lead with four minutes left. It was prime ‘keep running the ball and snuff out the clock’ territory. That’s a great plan until it’s not.

The Bills' defensive tackle Ed Oliver got sick and tired of seeing Derrick Henry beating up all of his friends and decided to just force a fumble. The Bills got the ball back and scored again. After not converting the two-point conversion, the Ravens had a 40-38 lead.

The Ravens had another bad drive, and they had to make a decision: go for it on fourth-and-three from their own 38-yard line, or punt. If they go for it and convert, it’s game over. If they don’t convert, the Bills would’ve scored quickly. If they punted, the Bills would’ve scored slightly less quickly. 

John Harbaugh chose to punt. Not only did he once again choose not to kill the Bills, but this time he kept them alive and gave them a hand grenade… that they immediately used. 

The Bills scooted 66 yards, right on up to the Ravens’ 14-yard line, and kicked a game-winning field goal as time expired. It was as awesome as it was poetic.

Why have teams not learned to just stomp out the team they’re playing? Did no one learn anything by watching the Super Bowl? The Eagles get up big on the Chiefs and then just continue to keep scoring. You can’t just shoot the good teams once and be done with it. 

The only way to make sure those teams are dead is by shooting them, stuffing them in a box, and then dropping that in the deepest part of the ocean. If you do that, then you feel safe and you win games. 

Ironic nickname turned real nickname: Danny Dimes

There might’ve been one or two times in 2020 or 2022 when people actually called Daniel Jones, “Danny Dimes.”  Before Sunday, it seemed like those days were looooong gone… And then the Dolphins stepped on the field. 

Mr. Dimes went down the field and scored. Then he did it again. Then he did it again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Every time the Colts got the ball, they scored. And the arm of the Ten Cent Man was a centerpiece.

The dude was 22-of-29 for 272 yards and a touchdown. He was automatic, and it was awesome to see. He’s been incessantly dunked on for the past seven years, and all it took for him to be good was getting out of the New York Giants locker room and playing against a cornerback named Storm Duck. Crazy.

Rehab didn’t take: Sam Darnold

UnitedRecoveryProject.com says that going to rehab for a meth addiction has a 20 to 30 percent success rate. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything about quarterbacks who go to the Minnesota Vikings to get rehabbed by Kevin O’Connell for a year. 

To be abundantly clear, just because a stint in rehab isn’t successful, that doesn’t mean it’s not helpful. Sam Darnold’s time in quarterback rehab definitely made him better, and if you’re addicted to meth, time in meth rehab will definitely make you better… it just might not make you all the way better.

He went 16-of-23 for 150 yards, and he was only sacked once, which isn't great, and it's nowhere near where he was last season. To be fair, he’s also not throwing to Justin Jefferson, but whatever.

The biggest problem is that on a second-and-five from the 49ers’ nine-yard line with 42 seconds left in the game, Darnold fumbled. That’s tough. 

I think everyone in the world is rooting for Darnold. He can come back from this. This is like him giving up cigarettes, but as he was walking out of a bar where he made out with 30 people, he caught a whiff of the bouncer lighting up. All Darnold did in this game was ask for a drag. He just needs to make sure he doesn’t go to the gas station to buy a pack.

Professional athlete of the week: Jaycee Horn

When you think of an athlete, you think of someone who can run fast and jump high. Enter the Panthers’ cornerback Jaycee Horn. 

There's nothing special about this award. I see a guy jump high and one-hand an interception, and I give him credit for it. That play was awesome… It was meaningless since the Panthers lost by 16 points and were never in the game, but it was awesome.

Meaningless preseason of the year: Bengals

In the preseason, the Bengals decided to play their offensive starters a whole lot more than normal because they wanted to start faster. It’s a noble idea because since Joe Burrow took over as the starter in 2020, they’ve averaged 14.6 points in Week 1 games. 

So coming into this game, with the offense having played a good amount of real(ish) snaps, you’d think that maybe everything would be rolling. 

Nah. They only scored 17 points, but at least they won… So that’s good.