Eagles Survival Guide: Which Philly stars would fans want with them in disaster events?

You can probably get out of a house fire by yourself, but it’d be a whole lot easier with a couple of 300-pound dudes clearing the way for you. You can probably survive a second ice age, but hanging out in a testosterone-filled barn is going to make it a whole lot better. You might be able to survive a biblical plague, but there are guys out there who could turn it into a feast.

These are the Philadelphia Eagles that you want to be with when it all goes down, from a Book of Eli wasteland to Supervolcanoes.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Jake Elliott is going to kick his way out of Pompeii; that’d be stupid. But what I will tell you is that a certain angel-voiced left tackle is going to save you from burning alive.  

Burning Building: Jordan Mailata and/or Landon Dickerson

The best way to get out of a burning building is through the door, duh. But what if there isn’t a door to the outside world in the room that you’re in? You’ll want to be with the two guys who can make a door.

That’s what Jordan Mailata and Landon Dickerson will do for you. You’re just going to duck down behind these two as they lower their shoulders through drywall, studs, and probably a load-bearing wall or two.

Will they leave a trail of destruction in their wake? Yeah, but it’ll be awesome, and you’ll have the best story ever afterward.

Earthquake: Saquon Barkley

They tell you that if there’s an Earthquake, you should get under a desk, in a doorway, or just anything else that’s structurally sound, but the best thing you can do is to get outside.

Let’s say you’re in a building and we get hit by The Big One, and now everything is crashing down around you: You need to be with someone who has vision, speed, and crazy athleticism... You need Saquon Barkley. 

If you’re running out of a building and beams are falling and the ground is impossible to walk on (I assume that’s what happens during a bad earthquake), you’re going to want to follow every footstep of the guy who can find all the holes to run through. 

Will he jump over something that you’re not going to be able to make it over? Maybe, and if he does, he’ll probably do it backward. If that happens, you end up getting crushed to death, but at least you get to see something super sick right before you get squished.

Nuclear Apocalypse (The Book of Eli style): A.J. Brown

(Spoiler Alert) The twist at the end of The Book of Eli is that Denzel Washington was blind the whole time, and the Bible he’s carrying is written in braille. The bad guy gets hold of that book, but can’t read braille, so it’s not that big of a deal. Luckily, Denzel memorized it, and when he gets to San Francisco, he recites the whole thing for someone to transcribe.  

There’s a very legitimate chance that A.J. Brown has memorized the entirety of Inner Excellence. If that book can help him stay cool despite being an elite wide receiver with a relatively low target share, that means its spiritual power is up there with the Bible, and it will be equally valuable after civilization gets wiped out.

I’m totally fine with being the Mila Kunis to A.J. Brown’s Denzel Washington, and we’ll have fun travelling across the country and chopping people up with machetes and stuff like that. 

Zombies: DeVonta Smith

All these zombie movies and shows are about people going out and doing things. If there’s a real zombie apocalypse, the real move is to just hole up at home and chill. Could we go out and bash some zombies? Sure, but that’s dangerous. The best move is to just stay put and stay quiet, and DeVonta Smith is an expert at that.

He says he likes to hang out at home, and before Super Bowl LVII, he said he was just sitting in a dark hotel room. That's perfect. Instead of surviving the apocalypse, just ride the wave and let the whole thing run its course.

On top of that, Smith says he only needs four hours of sleep. That means I can snooze while he’s keeping watch, which again, shouldn’t be an issue because we’re just going to be keeping a low profile the entire time. 

The second plague of Egypt (frogs): Nakobe Dean or Reed Blankenship

Moses did that whole thing where he called down a bunch of plagues in Egypt. For the second one, he bought a truckload of frogs and dumped them all over the place (or something like that). If that happened now, you would want to be with someone who grew up in either Mississippi or Alabama because that’s not a plague, that’s a farm, and you’re going to be eating frog legs for the foreseeable future. 

Nakobe Dean grew up in Horn Lake, Mississippi, before going to Georgia, and Reed Blankenship grew up in Lester, Alabama, before going to Middle Tennessee State University. I have no proof that either of these guys can cook, and it might be (read: definitely is) stereotyping, but someone with that kind of southern accent has to know how to gig frogs and have a killer frog leg recipe.

Pompeii: Jordan Davis

When Mt. Vesuvius erupted, it surprised pretty much everyone in Pompeii, and they all got burned up by the lava, ash, and other volcano things. I’ve never been near a volcano that’s erupting, but there are only two good moves when it happens: wait on a rock for Gandalf and some mondo-sized eagles to come pick you up, or run. 

I’m willing to bet that Gandalf isn’t going to show up, and that means the only option is to run. Unfortunately, I’m not fast enough to outrun a volcano, so that means I need to be with someone big enough to carry me and fast enough to get out of town. That’s Jordan Davis. 

Not only did Davis run a 4.78-second 40-yard dash, but then there was also that Bills game where he hit a top speed of 16.96 miles per hour when he was running down Josh Allen. That happened on Davis’ 74th snap of the game. If he’s well-rested, then he’s going to be able to hit a higher speed than that, even while giving an out-of-shape 33-year-old a piggyback ride. 

Another Ice Age: Lane Johnson

Let’s say the entire world goes into another ice age, and the only thing that matters anymore is staying indoors and keeping warm. You can knock out both of those things at once by hanging out with Lane Johnson in his “Bro Barn.”

Not only are we going to be safe from the elements, but we’re also going to be staying warm by lifting weights all day, every day, and getting jacked out of our minds. Then, when the world thaws out, Lane (he’s my best friend at that point, and he says it’s cool if we do first names) and I will emerge from the barn, everyone is going to be intimidated by us because our pecs have abs and our abs have pecs. We’ll end up being superheroes and recording an album that goes platinum. 

A second ice age actually sounds pretty sweet.

The five years between Infinity War and Endgame: Jalen Hurts

After Thanos snapped half of the universe into dust, Captain America was in the streets holding the fort down. The closest person to Captain America is Jalen Hurts. 

He’s going to be out there, dropping some of his neo-stoic wisdom, and everything will be fine. When it comes time to bust heads, he’ll keep his cool and be a leader. Will he take some damage along the way? Probably, but he’ll keep getting back up.

Spot the differences between these two (there are none):

Yellowstone Supervolcano: Howie Roseman

If the supervolcano in Yellowstone ever erupts, we’re all toast. That thing would cover half the country in lava and then the rest of us in ash. Nobody is making it out of that.

I assume that when you’re staring down death, you’re probably going to be more open to spilling the beans on everything that you’ve held close to your chest. If that’s the case, I want to be with Howie Roseman just so I can get him to tell me the truth about everything.

“What did you see in Jalen Reagor? What happened with the whole Sean Desai and Matt Patricia thing? Did you know what Nick Foles was packing when you drafted him? So, Demetress Bell, huh? Do you think you could beat up Chip Kelly? Have you beaten up Chip Kelly? What’s Chip Kelly’s deal? How quickly do you think you could choke out Chip Kelly?” 

Those kinds of things.