Every Eagles fan’s worst nightmare, in one 2025 lineup

The Philadelphia Eagles are the good guys. That’s not only in our minds, but also because the players are actually good people. But with every good guy, there’s also got to be a villain. It’s a whole ‘Yin and Yang’ type of thing. 

Not all villains are created equal, though. The Decepticons were just jerks, whereas Thanos was trying to save the universe. In football, Vontaze Burfict legitimately wanted to hurt people, whereas Aaron Rodgers prefers to waste everyone’s time by making everything about himself. 

The best of the worst

It’d be easy to list the whole Cowboys roster and be done with it, but that’s boring (they are included though). This list is made up of people who have had a history with The Birds, and in one case, someone who is just a straight-up bad person.

This is an offensive roster of the villains that the Eagles are playing in 2025.

Wide Receiver:
jalen reagor (Chargers), CeeDee Lamb (Cowboys)

There are a handful of hateable wide receivers that the Eagles get to see this year. There are guys like JuJu Smith-Schuster because of the James Bradberry thing, Terry McLaurin because of him being pesky, and Xavier Worthy because of his two unjust touchdowns in the Super Bowl. 

Those guys pale in comparison to jalen reagor (who doesn’t get capital letters) and CeeDee Lamb.

If you don’t know, the Eagles drafted reagor with the 21st overall pick in the first round of the 2020 draft… exactly one spot before the Vikings picked Justin Jefferson and laughed in Howie Roseman’s face. 

It was a bad pick at the time, and it was only emphasized by reagor’s lack of production, the way he carried himself, his lack of grit, his ‘I don’t really care’ attitude (perceived or otherwise), his coming into camp overweight, and the two drops of potentially game winning touchdowns against the Giants in Week 12 of the 2021 season. 

Not only is he somehow still in the NFL, but he’s with the Chargers for the second straight season, and he’ll probably end up being Justin Herbert’s second-best weapon through the air… so their season’s already over.

CeeDee Lamb is probably going to always be on this list. He’s been a pest, and he’ll stay a pest. He’s been corny and he’ll stay corny. As a matter of fact, he added to his corniness this offseason.

He was doing some kind of livestream on a golf course with Micah Parsons back in May, and Quinyonamo Bay came up, and CeeDee said, “I aint never been locked up on any island.” Now, to be fair, Parsons was the one who brought the whole thing up, but that doesn’t absolve Lamb, who *checks notes* Quinyon Mitchell held to five yards last season. Seems like being locked down to me, but what do I know? 

It’s so easy to hate whoever’s wearing number 88 in Dallas. 

Offensive line:
Left Tackle: Deebo Samuel (Commanders)

It’s kind of weird that the Commanders signed Deebo Samuel as a wide receiver when we all saw the ‘Fat Deebo’ stuff this offseason. That dude’s got the body and speed of a cement mixer. 

He might be listed as a receiver, but let’s be honest with ourselves, he’s closer to left tackle… also, I couldn’t really think of any villainous left tackles on the Eagles' opponents’ rosters.

Not only did he drop the unprovoked ‘James Bradberry is trash’ thing, but let’s not forget last season when he tried to choke his long snapper and punched his kicker in one motion. Deebo stinks, baby.

O-Line Interior:
Joe Thuney (Bears), Creed Humphrey (Chiefs), Trey Smith (Chiefs)

Am I still sour about Super Bowl LVII even though the Eagles just beat the Chiefs 40-6 in Super Bowl LIX? Yes, and it’s a glaring personality flaw. 

After LVII, the Chiefs' offensive linemen made shirts that said, “0 sacks” because the Eagles’ historical defensive line wasn’t able to get after Patrick Mahomes… largely due to the ice rink that George “The Sodfather” Toma helped the Chiefs out with. 

Joe Thuney, Creed Humphrey, and Trey Smith were very proud of their erroneous stat line, and they made sure everyone knew about it. Anyone who brags about allowing a deceptively low number of sacks in a very suspicious game is a bad guy. 

Right Tackle:
Penei Sewell (Lions)

The first-team All-Pro right tackle was Penei Sewell, and that was bogus. Ben Johnson and the Lions did a whole bunch of funky stuff with their offensive linemen, one of which included Sewell rolling out for a pass. He was obviously sacked on that play, but apparently the All-Pro voters are, ‘Big man has ball. Cool!’ people. 

If they were, ‘I respect guys who are always on an island, never allow sacks, and block for a 2,000-yard rusher’ people, and gave Johnson his due respect, Sewell would never be considered a villain. 

It’s not his fault that he took something away from Lane Johnson… But he did, and here we are. 

Running Back: 
Kareem Hunt (Chiefs)

So Kareem Hunt is actually just a legitimately bad guy. In the past, Ezekiel Elliott has been the All-Villain running back, and that was partly due to him as a player and partly due to him being a garbage human. 

Kareem Hunt is simply a woman-beating garbage human, and apparently none of that matters to the Chiefs. Life was better when he was with the Browns and playing with Deshaun Watson; it was two really bad people right next to each other, and you knew exactly who to root against. 

Quarterback: 
Dak Prescott (Cowboys)

The Eagles don’t play many unlikable quarterbacks this season. Obviously, Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen are floppers, and Geno Smith stole Brandon Graham's Comeback Player of the Year in 2022, but that’s it. 

Matt Stafford is a dude, Baker Mayfield is a dawg, Bo Nix is a face in the background, Russell Wilson/Jameis Winston/Jaxson Dart are nothingburgers, Jordan Love is a doofus, Jared Goff brought football back to Detroit, Caleb Williams is just a guy, and Jayden Daniels is a weirdo. And then there’s Dak Prescott…

For whatever reason, some people think that a 32-year-old who has had multiple season-ending injuries (including last year’s, where his hamstring got torn off the bone) is going to turn a new leaf in 2025.

The Cowboys are a franchise on life support; they’re already dead, but the talking-head media says, ‘Remember how much fun they used to be when we were kids?’ and won’t let the doctor pull the plug. They’re a franchise that deserves the same level of coverage as the Panthers, but they’re forced into our lives… and Dak Prescott is the face we have to see. 

It’s really nice that the NFL is forcing a Jalen Hurts v. Dak Prescott game in Week 1. It’s really, really nice that Dallas’ perennial loser gets to watch the Super Bowl MVP get his banner raised.

Tight End: 
Zach Ertz (Commanders)

First and foremost, I’m calling Zach Ertz the first-team All-Villain tight end out of respect, and by no means am I comparing him to the likes of Kareem Hunt or jalen reagor. I love Zach Ertz, and I always will. 

This is the toughest position to call someone a villain because tight ends are typically down-to-earth people. It’d be easy to give Jake Ferguson or Travis Kelce, but that seems kind of like a cop out.

Ferguson has done nothing for the Cowboys, especially when you compare him to Jason Witten or Dalton Schultz. Travis Kelce is a better argument because he was a big part of that 2022 Chiefs team, he put his hands on Andy Reid, and I had a very good feeling of satisfaction watching him concede on the field during Super Bowl LIX…. But, in respect to Jason Kelce, I won’t call Travis a villain. 

So that leaves Zach Ertz. He’s easily the best Eagles tight end of all time, he caught the game-winning touchdown in Super Bowl LII, and he does really good stuff for the community. The dude is a rock star… and it really, really stinks that he’s found some more juice with Jayden Daniels in Washington. 

So when I call him a villain, it’s not because he’s a bad person or his play has caused Eagles fans emotional distress. Instead, it’s because I respect him and I miss him; he’s a villain by heartbreak. 

Remember when he got booed when he was getting his Walter Peyton Man of the Year at Super Bowl LVII? That was beautiful.

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