You either had a bunch of fun in Week 8, or you hated everything that happened. If you were a hater, it’s probably because your team got annihilated. 12 of the 13 games were won by multiple scores, and the average margin of victory was 18.5 points. That’s objectively ugly.
Luckily, those kinds of performances and scores ended some teams’ seasons. For the most part, that means we can stop paying attention to those teams. However, it only seems right to pay homage to those teams and their seasons.
We’re here to celebrate the life of…
It didn’t take eight weeks for some teams to die; the Browns, Saints, Titans, Jets, Raiders and Dolphins have been gone. These teams were holding onto a shred of hope, and now it’s been ripped. Let’s pay our respects and see how their season ended.
Minnesota Vikings cause of death: Injuries
A season lives and dies with QB1, and the Vikings followed Carson Wentz into Valhalla.
There are two ends of the injured team spectrum. On one side are the 49ers, and on the other side are the Vikings.
The 49ers have lost a key player for, what feels like, every single week going back to the offseason… But they’re still winning games. Whereas the Vikings have been losing players, and they’re completely dead.
They’ve had the J.J. McCarthy ankle thing going on since Week 2. He was supposed to come back after two to four weeks, and then all of a sudden it was six weeks later, and he still wasn’t playing. Was that because the injury was worse than it was originally reported to be, or was it because McCarthy actually really stinks?
If it were the former, we’ll probably never know. If it were the latter, we’ll find out soon.
Regardless, Carson Wentz had been their starter during McCarthy’s time out. He’s on the IR now after having surgery on a season-ending shoulder injury… an injury that he played through for two games. That culminated in the Vikings' horrific 37-10 loss last Thursday night, which was their second straight loss.
Somehow, the bigger issue is that Minnesota’s offensive line is in shambles, too. Their starting center, Ryan Kelly, is on IR from a concussion, and their starting tackles, Brian O’Neill and Christian Darrisaw, have been missing time.
Their offense simply doesn’t stand a chance with their subpar/injured quarterbacks, and they stand even less of a chance when those guys can’t buy a block.
The Vikings are currently in last place in the NFC North, and unlike last year, there’s no way three teams from that division are going to make it to the postseason. To make matters worse, the J.J. McCarthy-led offense doesn’t throw the ball with any efficiency or effectiveness, which means Justin Jefferson’s awesome talent is going to be mostly wasted. It’s tough out there.
Cincinnati Bengals cause of death: Trench foot
’Twas but a blip in the vastness of the universe. It burned bright, and it burned quickly. Like, really quickly. Frighteningly quickly. Andrew Luck-adjacent quickly.
The Bengals were one of those teams that you wanted to like. It’s cool that Joe Burrow stuck his neck out for Tee Higgins and wanted the team to resign him… it was dumb that he did that instead of asking for the team to buy a defense or an offensive line, but it was cool nonetheless.
If there was a chance the Bengals were going to compete this year, they had to have the best offense the world has ever seen. In Week 2, Burrow got hurt, and the season was over. There were a couple of hell weeks with Jake Browning as their quarterback… but then they traded for Joe Flacco.
You watched the Week 6 game against the Packers. In the second half of that game, Flacco started to sling it, and the offense looked like it could be okay. In Week 7, he really started to sling it, and the Bengals won in a shootout with the Steelers.
Were you seeing things? They looked like there was some life (or at least some lifelike twitches), but you were told they were dead. Was that just wishful thinking? Yes. Those were agonal gasps; the involuntary spasms and breaths as the team died.
The offense was never the issue with the Bengals. The real thing that took the team down was their defense.
It became abundantly clear that the Bengals were gone when the Jets' horrible offense dropped 502 total offensive yards on Sunday.
The plus side of their death is that now it doesn’t matter how bad their defense is, which means you can stop being frustrated/enraged by it. The offense is still going to have games where it goes off, but it’s not going to be a surprise when literally any team they play ends up scoring 35 points and winning.
Dallas Cowboys cause of death: Self-imposed defensive neglect
Every year that you suffer, your ancient owner gains another year of life. May he live forever.
They have an infinitely better offense than the Bengals, but those two teams are in the same boat on The River Styx: One built by functional offenses and defenses with the power of a yawn.
The problem here is that the NFL is going to Weekend at Bernie’s the Cowboys. They’re going to march them out in public and act like they are totally fine and there are no problems at all.
R.J. Ochoa of Blogging the Boys brought up their upcoming schedule and how many times Dallas is going to get shoved down everyone’s throats.
They’re on Monday Night Football in Week 9. They have a bye in Week 10. They’re on Monday Night Football in Week 11. They play the Eagles in the late slate in Week 12, but the other games at that time are Browns/Raiders, Jags/Cardinals, and Falcons/Saints. They play the Chiefs on Thanksgiving in Week 13. They play the Lions on Thursday Night Football in Week 14. They play the Vikings on Sunday Night Football in Week 15. They play the Commanders on Christmas in Week 17.
Don’t fall for their Mortuary Makeup. Their defense killed them. It absolutely doesn’t help that they traded Micah Parsons before the season, but their pass rush is far from their only problem.
The good news is that Cowboys fans can get back to spending all of their time talking about how great a passer Dak Prescott is… while completely ignoring the fact that the only reason he’s getting so many opportunities to throw the ball is because that team never has a positive game script.
New York Giants cause of death: Dysentery
“Things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born. I'm the Skatman.”
-Scatman John
-Cam Skattebo
The Giants came into this season as a corpse. They had a bad offense and a bad defense held together by a good defensive line. That’s not a recipe for success.
The season started terribly: a pathetic loss to the Commanders, a gutting overtime loss to the Cowboys, and a beatdown by the Chiefs, where they lost Malik Nabers to an ACL.
And then Jaxson Dart and Cam Skattebo came in and brought all of the juice. In Week 4, those two combined for 244 scrimmage yards and two whole touchdowns in their 21-18 win over the Chargers. This was different; those two guys could do anything to anybody… You know… unless they played a real team like the Saints.
And then they played the Saints, and they lost 26-14… BUT they followed that up with a dominating win over the Eagles on Thursday night. Were they the best team in the NFL? Per the guy sitting next to me at that game: Yes.
That guy looked me in the eyes and said, “Jaxson Dart is the best quarterback in the NFC,” and, “Your stadium is Lincoln Financial Field? That’s dumb.” Shout out to the guy in section 137, row 30, seat 22, for being the dumbest ever.
Whatever. They would go on to allow a 33-point comeback from the Broncos in Week 7 and then experience hell on Earth in their 38-20 loss to the Eagles in Week 8.
With 8:11 left in the second quarter, Cam Skattebo had a mega-gruesome injury where he dislocated his ankle. As an unabashed lover of football, it really stinks to see a fun player like him have his season end like that. That injury ended the Giants.
Electricity starts at point A and ends at point B. For the Giants, the electricity started at Jaxson Dart and ended at Skattebo. Without Skattebo, they’re just a broken light switch.
At some point in the future, Dart and Skattebo will be in the backfield together, and they’ll make people happy with their ultra-aggressive and ultra-effective running style. That probably won’t happen next season, but maybe in 2027… So… That’s nice.