From mild to nightmare fuel: Ranking Eagles’ NFC opponents by fear factor

The Philadelphia Eagles were the best team in football last season, and they had one of, if not the most dominant, playoff runs in history. They might’ve lost some guys this offseason, but they’re set up to run it back. They’re the boogeyman for every other team.

That being said, almost every team does pose some sort of a threat, but there are tiers to it. On one hand, you have the Giants, who are as threatening as a sick gerbil. On the other hand, you have the Buccaneers in September, who are a sentient woodchipper with chainsaws for hands.

There are tiers to scariness

The Eagles have a tough schedule in 2025. They have to play the NFC East, the NFC North, the Buccaneers, the Rams, and then an assortment of AFC teams. I’m just focusing on the NFC teams because those are the ones that most directly affect the Eagles’ seed in the playoffs. 

I put the Eagles' NFC opponents in tiers based on what level of scary people, creatures, or situations they can be related to. 

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:
Giants

In Ghostbusters, Dr. Ray Stantz tried to think of the most harmless thing for the Traveler to manifest itself as, and he thought of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Unfortunately, that kind of backfired because the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man ended up being mondo-sized… but still, it was a good idea. It was a ‘process over results’ kind of thing.

The Giants are ironically not the huge Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but the one that Dr. Stantz was imagining. They’re a bad team that “couldn’t possibly destroy us.” They’re the worst and least scary team that the Eagles play in 2025, and it’s not even close.

Thinking you lost your phone, but it’s in your pocket:
Cowboys, Vikings, Bears

At some point, everyone has walked around their house or out of a restaurant, and you have a small panic moment thinking that you lost something, but it’s actually just in your pocket, and you have a sense of relief. That’s what the Cowboys, the Vikings, and the Bears are. 

The Bears got this brand-new head coach in Ben Johnson. The guy is an absolute mastermind, and he calls some of the most creative and well-timed plays in the entire NFL. That’s scary… until you remember that it’s just the Bears and they’re not going to be competitive.

The Vikings are coming off a great 2024 season, and they have one of the best wide receivers in the NFL and a defense coordinator who eats, sleeps, breathes, and bleeds aggressive pressures… but it’s the Vikings. Last year was certainly an anomaly, and now their starting quarterback is a child cosplaying as an adult: rookie quarterback J.J. McCarthy. 

The Cowboys are a team that used to be a menace in the NFC East, and now they’re getting a healthy Dak Prescott at the start of the season… but they’re the Cowboys, and they chose Brian Schottenheimer to be their head coach. 

When you think of these teams initially, it makes all of your sphincters pucker for a second. Then you realize that it’s all going to be okay because they’re not real threats.

‘Did I drink expired milk?’
Commanders, Packers, Rams

Unless the milk is really, really expired, you never realize that you’re drinking expired milk when you’re actually drinking it; it’s always afterwards. Then you start rethinking everything, and you get in your own head that you don’t feel good. That’s what the Commanders, the Packers, and the Rams are.

It all comes down to the playoffs last season, and as Eagles fans know well, weird stuff happens in the playoffs that directly changes the outcome of the game, ala Double Doink.

Half of the turnovers that the Eagles had against the Packers were caused by players who aren’t on the team anymore. Is that going to be a problem? The Rams' defensive line was nasty last year. What if they keep getting better, and what if Matt Stafford doesn’t show his age? The Commanders might have a quarterback. What if Jayden Daniels has an even better second season than he had in his rookie season?

It feels a little funky in your stomach, so just eat a Tums or take some Pepto.

Oren Burks and Darius Slay both got turnovers against the Packers, but so did Quinyon Mitchell and Zach Baun, and they’re still here. The Rams D-Line can get as nasty as it wants, but they’re still not going to be able to consistently beat the boys from Stoutland University. Daniels can get as good as he wants, but he’s never going to have the body type that will be able to hold up to his play style. 

Sure, that might’ve been expired milk. Your stomach might feel bad, but it’s not going to kill you.

Murder Hornets:
Lions

COVID shut the world down in March of 2020, and then in May, there were reports of a Murder Hornet invasion. We were all supposed to get stung/bitten to death while we holed up in our houses. That never happened.

The entirety of the 2024 season was set up for the Eagles to play the Lions in the NFC Championship game. That never happened because the Lions laid a stinker against the Commanders in the divisional round. That game’s finally going to happen in Week 11, but it’s not really the same. 

The two biggest engines on the metaphorical 2024 Lions' plane were Ben Johnson and Aaron Glenn, their offensive and defensive coordinators. Those two guys are gone now, and those are massive losses. 

Sure, the Lions still have a really good roster, and they’re probably still going to be a really good team, but they lost their brains. That’s going to stop them from being world-enders like they were last year.

I’m sure I’d still be scared if I saw a Murder Hornet today, and I’m sure I’ll be scared of the Lions in Week 11. But in all reality, they’re just another team, and Murder Hornets are just another bug.

Car stuck on train tracks:
Buccaneers

The only real thing that mattered when the NFL schedule dropped was when the Eagles would play the Buccaneers. Last season, that game happened at 1 pm on September 29th, and the 90-degree heat clearly played a part in how badly the Eagles played in that game.

Unfortunately, this season, the Eagles are playing the Buccaneers at 1 pm on September 28th, and the forecast (albeit three months out) is looking exactly the same as last season. 

On top of that, Jalen Hurts has trouble with Todd Bowles' defense. In Hurts’ four years as a starter, he’s played the Buccs four times and only won once, and that one win was on Monday night in Week 3 of the 2023 season. 

All three of those losses have happened at 1 pm in Tampa, and Hurts has a combined 61% completion rating, 666 passing yards, three touchdowns, and 11 sacks. It looks even worse when the game is actually happening.

Knowing that this game is happening at this exact time, on this exact day, and in this exact place feels like we’re in a car stuck in the middle of the train tracks. Our doors won’t open, and we can see the train coming. We have no option but to just sit, wait, and get flattened by an Amtrak. It’s a bummer.