Pete Crow-Armstrong's new hairstyle drags the Cubs even lower than Alex Bregman whiff

As Cody Williams does more cartwheels in the street over the Boston Red Sox signing Alex Bregman than the Tennessee Volunteers going 7-6 and winning a bowl game, FanSided.com's Content Director took a second to catch his breath and see what countless rushes of blood to the head look like in the mirror. Upon first glance, he surely said, "Why is my face redder than Pete Crow-Armstrong's neck?"

Yes, the Chicago Cubs outfielder's dome looks like a firecracker popsicle. For those who want a visual before getting to see the visual MLB put out there on X in only a few more seconds, just imagine this: Let's say that The Real Slim Shady decided to vacation at delightful Myrtle Beach, saw an airbrushing station at the local Wings and thought, "Why don't you put some giants blue stars on my head, bruh?"

Not since I was in third grade have I cared this much about a Chicago-based athlete's hairstyle. I cannot overemphasize how big of a deal Dennis Rodman was to my classmates and I at Kincaid Elementary School back in 1998-99. Michael Jordan was yesterday's news, having retired for a second time. It would be another four years before Crow-Armstrong even took his first career breath.

"Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say, but nothing comes out." - PCA?

This hairstyle tops anything Pete Davidson or Billie Joe Armstrong ever tried to rock in their primes.

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Pete Crow-Armstrong's hairstyle is an Alex Bregman participation trophy

Let's be real. Red, white and blue is one helluva color combination. America made it famous, while others claim to have invented it first. As Ron Swanson once said, "History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake." You already had me at me at Meat Tornado, Duke Silver. The only thing Crow-Armstrong will have eaten out of his hand is a melted popsicle by his own doing.

This is the team Nick Offerman roots for. The character he played on an NBC sitcom would have disliked him more than Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. After missing out on Bregman, the Cubs are celebrating like Jean-Ralphio getting run over by a Lexus! The only problem is Saperstein has great attorneys, not the one his father once played as Barry Zuckercorn over on Arrested Development.

And that is where we find the Cubs, in Arrested Development. Bob Loblaw ain't walking through that door. Gene Parmesan ain't walking through that door. Marky Bark ain't walking through that door. And you better believe Warden Gentles ain't walking through that door. It is the Not-So Real Slim Shady, Pete Crow-Armstrong! (I would have rather had the Not-So Slim Shady instead in Morton Schmidt.)

At the very least, Dave Franco will never forget that one time PCA brought Taco Bell to his house!