Bengals build the NFL's Natural Disasters to protect Joe Burrow with latest move

By adding the Trent Brown in NFL free agency, the Cincinnati Bengals just got a whole lot bigger.

Trent Brown, New England Patriots
Trent Brown, New England Patriots / Winslow Townson/GettyImages

When you think of Cincinnati, you usually think of Kroger, Skyline Chili and Reds baseball. Now, you must think about the meats. Did Arby's relocate without us knowing? I have no earthly idea. All I know is that the Cincinnati Bengals just got a whole lot more beefier by adding Trent Brown in free agency. The offensive tackle comes over from the New England Patriots to play opposite of Orlando Brown Jr.

If Ralph Sampson and Hakeem Olajuwon were the Twin Towers for the Houston Rockets, then what are The Brown Brothers on the Bengals? They are either The Natural Disasters, or The Brown Brothers BBQ Beef Business. What a freaking line meat factory! The amount of pancakes that will be served out of Paycor Stadium this year will be enough to keep Tracy Rocker hungry for the Crimson Tide.

I don't know if they have the dexterity to pull it off, but I would love nothing more than to see them alternate acting as pulling guards and roadgrading some dudes like a double-clubbed Gene Upshaw playing for the Silver and Black. The only way this gets better is if Anthony Muñoz is up there in the booth directing traffic for the Bengals. Ground control to Major Tom, I'm stepping through the door.

The latest space oddity added to the Bengals will help keep Joe Burrow upright as Ziggy Stardust.

Nobody has been this fired up to get some meat in Cincinnati since Ickey Woods got his cold cuts!

Trent Brown and Orlando Brown Jr. are about to be the Super Mash Bros.

Truth be told, I want Brown & Brown, Inc. to be pushing mashed potato products and Nintendo devices throughout the entirety of this season. You cannot put a price on a one-year run of pushing product! All the while, can we please get the Bengals to the Super Bowl so that we can recreate the Super Bowl Shuffle? That's like 40 years old, and most of Gen-Z has no idea what I am talking about.

Together, forever, or at least for the rest of the year, the Brown & Brown Moving Co. will be pushing would-be tacklers in the trenches harder than the late, great P.T. Barnum pushed snake oil. A sucker is born every minute, but after getting road-graded by these beefier bulldozers you will be more convinced than ever that Fiji mermaids do exist. P&G should call them up so that they can push Gain.

For as much as I have not liked the Bengals' offseason of losing Brian Callahan to the Tennessee Titans, D.J. Reader to the Detroit Lions or tagging Tee Higgins to his dismay, you have my attention, Bengals. Well done by Duke Tobin and his staff on getting a fired-up offensive lineman from New England who just wants to win again. What can Brown do for you? More than FedEx can in Pittsburgh.

Burrow might be able to rush for 500 yards all by himself behind the beefiest offensive line of all time.

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