Braves have no time to waste on much-needed trades, as issues reach critical mass

I slept on it, took a shower, drove my girlfriend to the suburbs to pick up her car, had some Chick-fil-A for breakfast, drove back through downtown Atlanta during rush hour, only to clock in for work in the nick of time, and I am still furious about how the Atlanta Braves lost to the New York Mets last night. Ramon Laureano embarrassed everyone in Braves Country and his entire family with his brain fart.

I am about to scream myself Tom Coughlin purple as the armchair quarterback of my living room. The only difference is he was coaching a sad bag of crap, and I am watching along on the Fubo because Xfinity is actively trying to make my life a living hell by the nanosecond. I trust my internet not to crash about as much as for the Braves to play competent baseball. At least no one is watching this garbage.

At the end of the week, we have to ask ourselves this: What the hell happened to this team? I'll tell you what. General manager Alex Anthopoulos went all Daryl Morey on our asses and got rid of ever last stinking dog on this team in favor of guys with no personality who really wow us on a spreadsheet. The funniest part is we all know Braves manager Brian Snitker is old school; he doesn't do analytics.

We must move the minute hand on the old grandfather clock so that it reads 11:59 p.m .ET. Tick, tock!

Atlanta Braves are about to let their season completely unravel on them

Besides signing position players that nobody else wanted who love to get hurt, run themselves into outs and make stupid decisions in the field, what is Anthopoulos even doing? I feel like a resident of Gotham, watching my beloved city become more and more like Sodom by the second. All the while, Batman is nowhere to be found. Did Bane break his back and throw him into a Moroccan prison pit?

The one guy I wanted this team to add, the guy I thought would have been a real spark plug for this team down the stretch and into October, now plays for the Seattle Mariners. Randy Arozarena was exactly what this lethargic baseball team needed. Instead, he would rather play for a team that has been to the playoffs once since George W. Bush was in office than link up with these total losers.

August will be here before you know it. Football season is rapidly approaching. So there is a clear pathway for me not caring about the most frustrating Braves team in a decade. Unfortunately, I feel like somebody found Anthopoulos' superhero costume hidden behind a false wall in his closet. A case of mistaken identity has me, your Comedian, falling down to the sidewalk like I am Edward Blake.

This team is a joke. It is all a joke. Who is laughing now? Just fix this mess of a baseball club already...