Jason Kelce lost his Super Bowl ring in the most aggressively Cincinnati way possible

Jason Kelce is a vehicle for the protein. This absolutely majestic specimen cultivated in a line meat factory did arguably the most Cincinnati thing possible. No, he didn't abandon his subway system, nor did he bet on baseball. Kelce apparently lost his Super Bowl ring in a vat of Skyline Chili during the Lombaby Games. He did put an insurance claim on his lost Super Bowl ring. What a freaking legend.

"We can safely assume my Super Bowl ring is now in a landfill someplace in the Cincinnati/Tri-State Area."

For those about to dive face first into a dump in various parts of Kentucky, Indiana or Ohio, I salute you. You may come up with a series of scratch-offs, empty bottles of malt liquor or the festering remnants of something that used to be 5-way, but ,"Who Dey think gonna be them Bengals?! To that, I say a "Them Dawgs Is Hell, Don't They?!" Only up greased poles will Philadelphia Eagles Fly Eagles Fly.

Kelce may not have gotten any cash to play in Cincinnati, but this is one of the cities that helped transform he and his kid brother Travis from Cleveland Heights, Ohio Ore into 24K NFL Gold! If he wants to find this ring, have all of The Swifties in the Tri-State Area sift through copious landfills in the region like Veruca Salt's father had his worked at that English peanut factory. "Daddy, I want it now!"

"Veruca, sweetheart... Give me time!" "I want my Kelce ring served five ways on a platter piping hot!"

I didn't think Kelce could ever top wearing Mummers Parade regalia, but I think this takes the cake.

Jason Kelce goes Ohio man by losing his Super Bowl in some Skyline Chili

I don't need to do any more research. I have all the evidence I need. There needs to be three statues of Jason Kelce scattered, smothered and covered across this great land of ours. The first is outside of his mom and dad's house in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, preferably one of he and Travis wrestling as kids. They can charge people a dollar and a half to see it. To pave paradise and put up a parking lot...

The second needs to go right next to the Philly Special statue featuring Nick Foles and Doug Pederson. Kelce should be shown in his Mummers costume, symbolizing being an absolute champion, as he was never ran out of town by Philadelphia. And finally, where these so-called Lombaby Games occurred in Cincinnati, put a third one there. It will have Kelce in some Skyline.

Look. I was at a wedding last weekend. One of the most important attendees looked like a smaller, but older version of Jason Kelce. I don't know if I was in the presence of greatness then, but I have to admit that I nearly asked for his autograph. He gave me a handshake and told me I was a good man. I can only hope this was a trial run before I meet the man, the myth, the legend, the ride Jason Kelce.

I hope the ring is never found. Not because I like to see a dirty Swiftie, but because legends never die.