Joey Votto threatens to become the worst human being imaginable if he's not signed

For the love of god, can someone please sign Joey Votto? Our poor cars cannot take it anymore!

Joey Votton, Cincinnati Reds
Joey Votton, Cincinnati Reds / Andy Lyons/GettyImages

Some people don't tip. Others refuse to use turn signals while driving. Joey Votto will not put his shopping cart back ... or at least threatens to be the worst human being imaginable in your local grocery store's parking lot. Yes, the Cincinnati Reds icon remains unsigned and wants to continue playing ball. His only demand is pretty much a racket. Sign Votto or your Volvo is about to get dinged.

Votto may be older than sin, but this is the 2010 NL MVP. How dare you not have him on your roster, Reds? The last time he wasn't on the Cincinnati roster and y'all made the postseason, Barry was still Larkin balls in the bleachers. While the early 90s Reds were humongous entertainment, Votto was the most important Joey in Cincinnati before Joey B arrived. You can never have enough Joes in Ohio...

For those keeping score at home, the shopping cart test is the easiest way to tell if a human being is a decent person or not, or a totally self-absorbed scumbag. By either returning the cart to the front of the store where you got it, or to one of the many cart corrals in the parking lot outside, you are indeed a good person. Should you not do either of these simply selfless acts, I hope your car catches on fire.

Do we want Votto to remain a menace to society, wreaking havoc in one Kroger parking lot at a time?

The only logical explanation to this is Votto is an angel investor in Instacart and wants more open lots.

Joey Votto threatens to be the worst human being alive if he isn't signed

Fact. You are never too old to act like a child. How do I know this? Well, I live in the United States of America, and I have seen how billionaires and politicians have operated for decades. When you think you are above the law, you don't just break the law, you act like a petulant child. This is why for the sake of all of the Southern Ohio Kroger shoppers that Votto must be signed before it is too late.

Yes, you can try to go to other grocery stores, but I have seen people not be on their best behaviors before at Publix, Winn-Dixie and Jewel-Osco. Whole Foods is a totally different beast, as is Aldi, where you actually pay a quarter to use a shopping cart. For that reason alone, I can understand why somebody like Votto would not put it back properly. In this economy, you must mind your P's and Q's.

Because I am in the content business, I would love nothing more than for Votto to make his triumphant return to the Reds lineup whilst gliding majestically across a nearby parking lot in a Kroger shopping cart, right before he dismounts and walks into Great American Ball Park. The former TikTok star has already changed the game in his Ron Weasley wig, so expect that he will do the same again.

"Heroes get remembered, but legends never die." - Babe Ruth's astral projection from The Sandlot.

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