10 NBA free agents who can help you survive the zombie apocalypse

How will the zombie apocalypse manifest? We can't possibly know.

Another global pandemic? A strange book found in a rustic mountain cabin? Or, mayhap it follows the arc of the 1994 Italian horror film Cemetery Man, in which the dead start coming back to life within seven days of their demise. The reason? Unclear. But check it out if you're ever in the mood for a completely incoherent, mostly dumb, undeniably gorgeous film about a lonely cemetery keeper who falls in love with a widow-turned-corpse.

Today, we are tasked with forming an NBA free agent task force capable of dealing with the undead legion when it inevitably knocks on our door. It's only a matter of time until the world descends into chaos and the line between living and not-living blurs. It's best to be prepared.

Rather than stockpiling weapons and food in an underground bunker, we are going to assemble 10 basketball specialists who can fend off the flesh-eaters and preserve the remnants of our fallen society. Let's knock 'em out.

The Muscle: OG Anunoby, DeAndre Jordan, Andre Drummond

We need a front line. A collection of dedicated gym rats who can prevent any progress from the oncoming horde. These dudes need to box out — to get in their stance and not give up an inch of space.

DeAndre Jordan and Andre Drummond are 7-footers with wide, rock-solid frames. Drummond is the best rebounder of his generation. Jordan has lost more than a step since his prime, but he can still set thundering screens, explode for lobs, and stop post-ups in their tracks. All that should translate to our zombie prevention strategy.

To quote the great Stan Van Gundy — "form a f***ing wall!" He can lead our resistance.

Anunoby doesn't stand quite as tall as Jordan or Drummond, but he's just as strong. He's a more versatile strain of muscle, comfortable sliding his feet and handling different matchups as needed. That versatility ought to come in handy when our coverage is scrambled and our defense is compromised.

The Speed and the Heart: Tyrese Maxey, Immanuel Quickley

We need runners. To collect food. To lead the zombie hordes astray. Get them running in circles, and we can send the rest of our troop right through the middle. There aren't two NBA free agents better equipped to lead a bunch of half-speed corpses on a wild goose chase than Tyrese Maxey and Immanuel Quickley.

Two former Kentucky teammates, Maxey and Quickley happen to be two of the fastest players in the league. There is also real chemistry and camaraderie here. That is essential in these dark times. Who is going to raise the group's spirits? Who can communicate and improvise on the fly? Maxey and Quick are essential, not only for their physical attributes, but for their personalities and their deep-rooted friendship.

You aren't surviving through the end of the world without friendship.

The Dawgs: Kyle Lowry, Naji Marshall

This is an absolutely critical subdivision. We need dawgs — a hard-nosed, no-nonsense collection of players who can lead the charge emotionally and do the dirty work. Surviving the zombie apocalypse isn't sexy. This ain't for TikTok, folks. We need players who will sacrifice their bodies for the collective. Players who can handle those tough assignments.

Enter Kyle Lowry and Naji Marshall.

Lowry is the vet. He's been around the block. He's endlessly smart and he deploys that intelligence in the most nefarious ways possible. It's not hard to outwit the witless, but Lowry can formulate plans a more high-minded individual might not even consider. You aren't winning this battle with perfect ethics. Lowry doesn't let pride get in the way of impact.

Marshall can toggle between the dawgs and the muscle. He's built strong with an appetite for stops. He will attack his duties with unmatched fervor. If we need somebody to stop a zombie one-on-one, on an island, Marshall is the man.

His relentless intensity and all-out focus on winning should prove priceless in these troubled times.

Mr. Finesse: Pascal Siakam

You all made fun of the spin move, but who's laughing now? Pascal Siakam is built for this. He can run a one-man weave right through the zombie horde. Spin, side-step, spin, spin, spin. He's uncatchable. With straight-line speed and excellent dexterity, Siakam is going to come in handy on the tactical front. He can lead units into battle or carry out solo missions under the cover of darkness, effortlessly evading those standing in his way.

If there's a last man standing in Zombieland, it will be Pascal Siakam. We have found the perfect setting for his unique set of skills.

The Snipers: Klay Thompson, Buddy Hield

At the end of the day, close-quarters combat with the undead is a poor strategy. We need to plan for the inevitable — blunt-force attacks and direct encounters cannot be avoided — but ideally, the majority of our offensive firepower is focused on long-range attacks. We need to lob projectiles from a distance. Sever those heads without putting our necks on the line, literally.

That's where the snipers factor into our plan. In fact, one might call this the most important subdivision. Klay Thompson and Buddy Hield are two of the greatest volume shooters the NBA has ever seen. We have to believe that unmatched hand-eye coordination, touch, and accuracy will translate to times of war.

Thompson and Hield can't defend, but we aren't going to put them in that position. They just need to stand back, line up their shots, and fire without abandon. Volume and accuracy are equally essential. Your hit rate doesn't matter if you only fire once per hour. Thompson and Hield have never been afraid to launch at will, whether it's stationary, on the move, or anything in between. And they never, ever miss.

Klay can also drive a boat, so we have marine capacity if we opt for the classic "hide on the island!" approach.