Texas football coach marries infamous Pole Assassin from unreal monkey bite incident

Love, uh, finds a way... As if you needed any more proof that we as a society are in fact living in a simulation, I present to you this. Texas Longhorns special teams coordinator Jeff Banks got hitched last week. But before we say congratulations to the happy couple, you do realize who he is now married to, right? That would be Danielle Thomas, better known by her stage name Pole Assassin.

I'm not going to degrade the profession, but this is the same entertainer who once saw her pet monkey named Gia bite a kid in the finger during a Halloween party during Sarkisian's first year in Austin. The Longhorns did not go to a bowl game in 2021, but bounced back in a big way last year. Texas won the Big 12 one last time, en route to making the final four-team College Football Playoff.

Even if Sarkisian and his wife Loreal are filing for divorce, Banks' marriage to Thomas only further illustrates that you never know how any relationship will go. For this to be the one that stuck, you could say I am shocked to say the least. Regardless, find someone who loves you like Pole Assassin loves the some Texas special teams. Texas may get a ring this year, but Banks just got one of his own.

Here is a picture from Banks and Thomas' wedding that he shared out over on his Instagram account.

With all the monkey business nipped in the bud, can Texas finally win its first national title since 2005?

Texas special teams coordinator Jeff Banks marries 'Pole Assassin'

I'm not going to hate on love. What's the point of that? What I am beginning to wonder is if Texas is really ready for all that comes with playing in the SEC. I know that Sarkisian is more than ready. Keep in mind he was on Nick Saban's Alabama staff twice during his coaching career. Banks is more than ready as well, as he too served on Saban's Alabama staff, as well as having worked over at Texas A&M.

Outside of Banks and Sarkisian, we have seen many college football coaches either get married or file for divorce during the height of their careers. At the end of the day, these are people too, so let's never forget that. What I don't want us to forget is that Texas is no longer the big fish in a small Big 12 pond. They are a big brand, but the SEC offers several other big brands in-conference outside them.

While Sarkisian does maintain other key coaches on his staff besides Banks coaching up the tight ends and special teams, he did lose one of his top assistants in former defensive coordinator Jeff Choate to the opening in Nevada. With Sarkisian, and Banks to some degree, specializing on the offensive side of the ball, Texas cannot afford to see any real downtick in production from its defense.

Congratulations to the happy couple, and may Texas achieve all it can this college football season.