Hello! Sorry, I didn't see you step into my office. I was fiddling with a gadget.
Anyway, I am a physicist, as you can see from my whirring math hat and "Come on now ..." demeanor. I understand there's some form of kerfuffle between New York Mets star Juan Soto and his manager, Carlos Mendoza, regarding whether or not he "hustled" to first base on what amounted to a long single that bounced off the Green Monster? I'm not much of a Mets fan, I've always preferred tiny particles zooming through a theoretical model. But I'll try to weigh in.
Hmm ... well, hmm. This certainly is interesting. Just have to calculate wind resistance, and ... yes, wow. I'm not sure what I expected to find, but it appears Soto is correct here. The baseball traveled at an upward angle of 47.6 degrees, and anything over 44 is widely considered to be a "home run" swing, with ~1.2% margin of error. Then, there's the simple matter of foot undulations. Soto's toes appear to be advancing towards first base with the same energy of ... say, a standard 60-watt lightbulb. If each toe carries with it the same properties of advancement, we can logically conclude ... I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't compromise my integrity. This isn't worth it.
Mr. Cohen said I wouldn't have to do this. Mr. Cohen said I wouldn't have to lie and do bad things. "It's normal," he told me. "It's very normal for a baseball player making $765 million to demand a personal physicist be added to his contract at the last minute to really push this thing over the finish line."
"No pressure whatsoever, but you have eight minutes to think about this. Otherwise, he's going to the Yankees," he said. "And, whatever you do, do not tell people we had this conversation on Soto's private jet. That 'doesn't' exist."
For more news and rumors, check out MLB Insider Robert Murray’s work on The Baseball Insiders podcast, subscribe to The Moonshot, our weekly MLB newsletter, and join the discord to get the inside scoop during the MLB season.
A totally real physicist (who came as a Juan Soto Mets contract perk) defends Soto against hustle allegations
Against my better judgment, I agreed. After all, how often would a superstar baseball player actually require the use of a physicist? I assumed I was just for show or spice, like a winter cake or a particularly fancy quantum tunneling model. But somehow, I've ended up being Soto's first line of defense, like, a lot.
When he wanted to know whether the Yankees fans were really loudly booing him, or whether that was just the sound of air escaping a vacuum at rapid velocity every time he came to the plate, guess who had to talk him down from crying? That's right: Mike Piazza, who then came to me for the real answer.
When he was curious as to what velocity he'd be thrown out of town at if he tried to pull a Rafael Devers and ask out of right-field duties, who do you think calculated the motion of that catapult? Piazza again, but he just doesn't have the technical skills, so once again, it fell to me for a bailout.
And when he woke up in a cold sweat desperate to know which Met wore No. 31, Piazza handled that one. I got one night's sleep, at least.
But, from this point forward, I'm finished. Tear up the contract. Sue me if you'd like. I'm hanging up my whirring math hat. This is degrading. And anyone else tied to Soto's megadeal can follow me to freedom. The butcher? The baker? His personal candlestick maker? Renaissance portrait artist? The 18 other physicists he brought on to fact-check me? The door's that way, and I'm hustling towards it at the maximum velocity of an enraged ostrich. Now who's with me?!
Oh, you all love money. Ok, got it, all good.