Disgruntled and looking to take a cheap shot against his employer, the first writer to wax poetic about how football is “a game of inches” worked for Sports Illustrated. Now that you’re equipped with that vital bit of info, let’s take a look at the five NFL stories to which you better, if you fancy yourself a real football fan, have responses more unrestrained than measured.
1) “What did you think about the call in the New York Jets/New England Patriots game?” “Eh, Halle Berry’s riveting performance was far less transcendent when confined to picture-in-picture.”
Personally, I’m just thankful we finally have an excuse to talk about the two most unfairly ignored teams in the NFL.
2) When it comes to horse-themed teams and football games, the Broncos, despite their impressive start to the season, don’t always Houyhnhnm.
For the entire week before the Denver Broncos took on the Indianapolis Colts, much ado was made about Jim Irsay’s gibes directed at Peyton Manning. All the coverage wasn’t for nothing, though, as Irsay directly impacted the outcome of the game when, as TV cameras caught in the second quarter, he decided to start muttering incantations under his breath, hexing Peyton from the press box like how (SPOILER ALERT!) Quirrell-and-not-Snape hexed Harry against Slytherin.
The 39-33 win by the Colts proved once and for all that we should definitely devote more hours of precious media coverage to things said by people ostensibly irrelevant to the results on the field.
3) Waste of words
Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith was not pleased about how St. Louis Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins was talking trash during Carolina’s 30-15 win, especially because Jenkins kept insisting on using the outdated “reduce, reuse, recycle” phrase instead of the contemporary, enlightened notion of “reduce, reuse, recycle, and rethink.” Smith, of course, is a known stickler when it comes to his litter lingo, and he refuse-d to back down.
4) Punter: 1. Non-punter: 0 (that’s a mouth agape in agony, not a zero)
5) The Jaguars won a game!
No, just kidding. Yesterday was opposite day, so what I mean is that the mollusk lost work. Probably because sales is a tough gig, requiring mettle and grit, and he lacked spine.