How to get through a college football National Championship Game that does not contain a team from the SEC.
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On January 12, 2015 the grand finale of the very first College Football Playoff will occur, but the Southeastern Conference is not going to be included in this National Championship Game. This could cause a great deal of confusion among fans, so we’ve put together this handy guide to making sure you are prepared.
Our hope is to help those who are or know SEC fans to realize that they don’t have to tune out of the game completely. They can watch along with everyone else, and not feel left out.
While we can’t fully guarantee your enjoyment of the game, we hope that this survival guide will help to keep non-human casualties (ie; flat screen televisions, remote controls, coffee tables, refrigerator doors, etc.) to a bare minimum.
SECTION I – If you are NOT an SEC fan, please proceed as follows:
1. Have plenty of food, beverages and friends around
2. Have phone number to favorite pizza delivery store handy
3. Tune in to ESPN at 8:30 pm and watch the game
4. Enjoy
(Note: Tuning in to ESPN prior to the 8:30 scheduled start time could cause you to be barraged with Pro-SEC agenda, excuses, and propaganda, and could ultimately cause your enjoyment of the actual game to be diminished.)
SECTION II – If you are an SEC fan, or have a loved one in your home who is (and will be present at your domicile during the game), please keep these important tips handy:
First, you must remember to breathe normally. Despite what you are seeing on your television, you have not been jettisoned to outer space. If you find yourself being hit with shortness of breath or dizziness, please look away from your screen immediately and seek medical help (Please note, Paul Finebaum does not qualify as medical help).
Yelling “Roooooooll Tide”, “Goooooo Dawgs”, “Hotty Toddy”, or any other SEC-related phrase will not parse the images on your screen and reform them into teams other than Oregon and Ohio State.
Proceed as follows –
1. Have a secondary viewing device — such as your tablet, laptop or smartphone — tuned into ESPN Classic or the SEC Network, where there is sure to be a replay of a victory by one of the 14 teams for which you can cheer.
Having one of these devices tuned into Paul Finebaum (see Sec. II, Par. 1 above) is acceptable as well.
IMPORTANT: Do not give in to any temptation to call in to Finebaum’s show, as this will only exasperate any symptoms you may be experiencing. Also, if “Phyllis from Mulga” happens to call in while you are watching, your best course of action is to go to the refrigerator for another beer, until her rant has subsided.
2. Have a “Kirk Herbstreit Stress Doll” nearby at all times. This should be the only item to which you will be allowed to inflict any physical harm or damage before and during the game.
3. Keep “The Urban Factor” in mind during the game. Remember, Urban Meyer made his bones in the SEC. He was one of you once. It took an SEC coach to go to the Big Ten and actually beat the SEC.
4. Keep Off Social Media for 24 hours before and after the game. That means no Twitter, Facebook or fan forums (Google+ is fine). You will not be in a condition to deal with trolls, and spending any amount of time on social media will only end in the destruction of personal property and a possible ban for life.
5. Watch in the privacy of your own home only. Do not attempt to view this game in a public place, such as bar, restaurant, or party. There will be agents of destruction (namely Big Ten and Pac-12 fans) who have been placed there to seek you out and secure your insane response and incarceration. Also, throwing a party is equally unacceptable and dangerous.
6. Do not attempt to cheer for either Ohio State or Oregon, as pulling for another team other than your chosen school only works for other SEC teams. Making an empty gesture such as saying “Go Buckeyes” or “Yay Ducks” could lead to vomiting, choking and eventual insanity.
7. Do not write down player names who were transfers from SEC schools and attempt to troll on social media (see number 4 above).
8. For Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas A&M and LSU Fans – Have 2015 recruiting class rankings and lists handy. When faced with the temptation to throw things in your home, just glance over the list for your chosen school and meditate on “next year”. (Fans of other SEC teams may also use this technique, although results may be lessened).
9. Use positive visualization. It’s fine to go into a trance-like state, and imagine that your team is actually on the field. And always keep in mind, Oregon beat FSU…this is a good thing (chanting that phrase during the game may be necessary).
10. Avoid at all costs watching or listening to the following personalities prior to or during the game:
- Kirk Herbstreit
- Danny Kanell
- Gary Danielson
- Chris Fowler
- Desmond Howard
- Lou Holtz
- Mark May
The most important thing to remember is that you can still enjoy this game. College football will be back next season, and the SEC will have another shot at getting back into the playoffs and into the championship game.
SECTION III – If you are either an Oregon or Ohio State fan, and you live with an SEC fan, please take the following precautions:
1. Leave your home from Jan. 11-13
2. Find the nearest public place where the game is being shown
3. Follow steps in Section I
4. Return home, and never mention the game or the outcome to your live-in loved one again.
We hope this guide has provided you with the best possible course for enjoying a college football national championship contest without the SEC.
Next: What are the greatest college football rivalries of all-time?