I promise I’m not trying to make any real commentary on NBA commentators’ commentary. I could not do that job. It requires more knowledge of hoop than I’d imagine I’ll ever attain, and my voice is, uh, strange. I kind of tried to self-correct a speech impediment in my early 20s. It mostly worked, but uh… “mostly” doesn’t mean “all the way.”
Anyway, NBA announcers, generally, are good. Generally.
But just like how not every NBA team is going to play in the style you prefer, not every commentary team is going to call the game in the way you most want to hear it called. Maybe they don’t let moments breathe enough. Perhaps they’re being overly negative today. In some cases, possibly they don’t know the rules on replay reviews. Whatever it is, tonight’s not the night for our people behind the mics.
Well, here’s the thing. The NBA can fix this. The NBA can improve its product a lot. And luckily it’s pretty simple.
Different audio options.
Mike Breen not doing it for you for some reason? What if, with the click of a button, you could switch to a dozen other audio feeds that might be more tailored to what you want? I’ve heard a few of these discussed before, and I’ve brainstormed myself. Here are 10 ideas.
1. Live in-arena feed with no commentary
This is the one I see the most fervor for generally. It should be simple. Just know commentary at all.
We get bits of this from time to time during dead air, and it’s always fascinating. You can hear who is communicating, you can better pick out the play calls, and somehow the force of the game seems that much bigger. Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I just want the game to speak for itself. Some moments don’t need context. Some moments are just the moments that will demand to be provided as context in the future to come. They’re that big. Just let them be.
2. Strategy streams for every game
Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who understand the game quite well who would be great to have for a few appearances on the NBA stream. Some people are just really interesting. It’d be good to have interesting people give their perspective on the game. I think of the people who have watch parties on Playback, Nekias and Steve of The Dunker Spot to name an example. Or the Sue Bird and Diana Taurasi broadcasts. It doesn’t even have to be that complicated.
There are smart, experienced, capable people who just want to get in front of an audience and say how much they love the game and show the world the shape that love takes. Love does a lot of cool stuff. There are lots of different sorts of love too. I want to collect them all.
3. More languages
I think I’ve seen a Spanish stream, but I want more. I want a stream for every language that’s an option in Duolingo. Including Esperanto.
This serves three purposes.
1. Offers the game to more people in their native tongue. Even if they’re not quite as incisive as Stephanie White, they might be more of a comfort to people hear the game called in their native tongue.
2. Even if you don’t speak the language, sometimes the tone, the letters, the syllables of a language just attract you to it for some reason. For me, putting a feed on in a language you don’t understand is like the middle ground between blank arena audio and the basic broadcast. You get the emotions of the announcers, but you don’t have to bother with trying to listen to a single thing they say. That’s kind of cool.
3. Great for language learning. Current WWE Superstar, Kevin Owens, learned to speak English by watching pro wrestling. Wouldn’t it be great to learn Portuguese by watching playoff hoops?
4. The truck feed
If you’ve never gotten a chance to experience this, you should. There is a feed that the broadcast team receives, or at least some members of the broadcast team receives, that include the real time live instructions from the showrunner out to everyone. Designating camera shots, providing information, developing plans on the fly …
It’s fascinating. I can see NBA broadcast partners not wanting to share something that could feel like trade secrets, but man. It’d be so fun!
5. Live audio from a small group tracking DJ Khaled’s every motion/interaction/sound
If we can’t get the truck feed, we need live audio of something, and I have an idea.
Hopefully DJ Khaled would be aware of this and, you know, agree to being broadcast for NBA League Pass subscribers, but as much as I don’t really care for anything he’s done, I do believe DJ Khaled leads an interesting life. It’d be cool to know exactly what he’s up to (via audio) at the same time I’m watching a game between the Grizzlies and Thunder. Is that him yelling his own name in a crowd? That’s so cute.
And I think it could even be interesting in the quiet moments. Petting a guinea pig. Consuming big foods in the shape of his own face. If DJ Khaled lets a member of the audio team into his car, we could even find out his fast food orders.
Well, he probably uses Postmates or something. But we might catch him discussing his order with someone around. We could find out his order that way.
Or he might just talk to himself from time to time. Maybe softly whispering “DJ Khaled” to himself in unsafe or unfamiliar moments. I mean, I whisper DJ Khaled to myself when I’m feeling scared. I imagine DJ Khaled would too.
6. A live band trying to play along to the vibes of the game
I’m not sure what kind of band to go with here. I’m of the mind of going to one of two extremes.
The first extreme is to keep it simple. Three-piece pop-punk band of experienced pop punk people. Studio musicians, probably. We don’t want these guys to make a scene. We just need a guitar, a bass, and the drums to bring the game to life in a new, sonorous way. Play what you know, follow the game, and make it happen.
Again, it’d be simple. Just a few people very capable of playing the simple things pop punk demands. You’d get some distortion, you’d get some drum fills, you might get some bass chords if you’re lucky, but that’s it.
The other option would be a jazz ensemble of some kind. Again, I’m a fan of the trio so there’s less confusion among the members. And from there I’m thinking jazz guitar, stand-up bass, and drums. Again, a three-piece, but it’s different. Jazz drummers hold the stick in their left hand with the palm facing up for some reason.
With the jazz you could probably get a little more flair. I also think it might be the most well-appreciated by different audiences. Pop punk is a little more specific.
I lean jazz. Other options would be piano or a large organ.
7. Some social media intern with a soundboard
This could probably appeal to someone. The intern doesn’t talk or anything. He just, like, hits explosion noises when there’s a big dunk. Or plays a clip of Rasheed Wallace yelling “ball don’t lie” if a free throw is missed after a bad call. Maybe Benny Hill music when there are antics. There are so many options here. I guess.
I think for this one it might be worthwhile to develop a specific chat feature, so subscribers can weigh in saying “Play the Stone Cold Steve Austin Glass Shatter next!” or “Do you have any fart noises?”
I mean, this sounds terrible to me. I would never use it, but have you seen the things people watch and/or listen to?
8. An AI bot listening to the conversation had by the actual commentary team and then trying to respond like he’s also in the booth as an additional announcer that’s being shut out from talking with little his robot voice
The description kind of says it all, honestly. I want a robot trying to have a conversation with Richard Jefferson and Doris Burke and its sounding like they want nothing to do with him and are intentionally ignoring him. I also want the AI bot to sound really sad. I want him to keep sounding more sad and less confident as the game goes on.
I want the feed to have a halftime “show” of the AI bot reading a script to psych himself up. “Be candid, not caustic. Take charge. Claim your space. You’ve earned your right to be here because OpenAI paid the NBA $18.4 billion. You get back on that Mic and show them that ChatGPT is ChatGP-me.”
As the robot hears RJ and Doris get back on their headsets, he says, “I’m going to take the lead in from the commercial break and ask one of you a question when it’s your turn to talk.” Look at him go. Being assertive. Not asking permission but demanding acceptance.
RJ and Doris don’t respond. The robot thinks they were shocked into stepping back due to an increase in his pre-programmed resilience and authoritativeness levels.
The commercial ends. Some music plays as we get a sweeping overhead view of downtown Cleveland. The robot does the robot equivalent of inhaling. As he’s about to speak, Richard announces, “Welcome back to downtown Cleveland! This is basketball. I have Doris with me.” Then there’s a long silence.
Good.
That’s where AI belongs, by the way. Somewhere beneath Richard Jefferson and Doris Burke. Quite a ways below, I would say.
9. ASMR commentary
This is definitely not for me. But who knows. It could do numbers.
10. Old-timey radio announcers
You know, just regular commentary but in the spirit and voice of sportscasters from 100 years ago. I feel like I don’t know how to describe what I mean exactly, but I trust at least a few of you know exactly the type of thing I’m talking about. Old-timey radio. Back when broadcast communication was good.
And I do want to say this. I don’t know why, but I feel like if you broaden the net of your search widely enough, you will be able to find a whole bunch of people willing and variously able to do this. The old-timey voice is one anyone can unlock if just given a small amount of time and encouragement. Fun for all ages. Do try this at home.
Man, I want everything from this. I want old-timey commercials for fake products in the breaks. I want the announcers to start assigning nicknames based on nomenclature and standards of the time (you know, the ones that don’t tread on any -isms). I want there to be the heavy, unstated presence of an existential foreign threat hanging over every word rather than the heavy, unstated presence of an existential domestic threat hanging over every word.
Not sure it’s an improvement, but at least it’d be a change of scenery.