A guide to the ultimate college football Saturday, Week 2

If you’re going to spend an entire Saturday watching college football, why not watch like a champion?

Next: Ranking The 30 Best Traditions In College Football

Proper preparation is one of the keys to success. You don’t just wake up one morning and all of a sudden excel at life. A proper game plan is necessary.

If you’re like me, or if you’re my long-lost clone and/or evil twin, you’ll probably be spending this Saturday inhaling as much college football as possible. Perhaps you don’t think that such inactivity requires strategy and preparation, but you’re wrong. It takes skillz to make sitting on the couch all day look effortless.

For those of you who want to get on my laziness level, I’ve put together a guide for Week 2 of the 2015 college football season. Enjoy!

(All times PST)

7:30 a.m — Wake up. Yes, it’s early, but you only have 90 minutes until the first set of games. Run down the list of the previous night’s regrets. Try to decipher the texts you sent after midnight. Try to remember why it is you wrote “DO NOT TRUST TACO STEVE FOR HE IS A DECEIVER” in bold letters across the back of a receipt. Stumble out to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee.

7:35 a.m. — Set a new alarm and go back to sleep. Maybe you’ll have that sexy recurring dream. Maybe you’ll have the recurring nightmare. Maybe you’ll have a sexy nightmare and wake up afraid and aroused and very confused.

7:50 a.m. — Wake up again. Follow the intoxicating scent of coffee wafting from your kitchen. Pour yourself a hearty mug, add whatever it is people who don’t take their coffee black add to coffee — alcohol? — and enjoy.

8:00 a.m. — Shower. Yes, you’re going to be lounging in your own filth for the next fifteen hours, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least begin the day in a state of semi-cleanliness. Make sure to wash behind your ears. You may also want to consider washing your mouth out with soap as some sort of preemptive strike against the curses you’ll be screaming later.

8:10 a.m. — Start breakfast, whether that means eggs and toast or microwaving a slice of pizza that’s been sitting on the counter overnight. You have a long day of doing nothing ahead of you, so eat up. Down another cup of coffee.

8:30 a.m. — Clean your kitchen and living room/TV area. If you’re going to be lazy all day, you may as well be lazy in a clean environment. Also, if you are the sort of person who has friends, and if those friends are the type of friends who may come over later in the day to watch football, it’d be nice for them to arrive to a living space that does not resemble a war-torn landfill. I mean, what else are you going to do with the next thirty minutes? Watch pregame coverage? Please. We all know that the wacky signs are the only good part of College GameDay, and all the best ones will be screen-grabbed and posted to your blog of choice later in the afternoon, so devote your time to cleaning instead. You’ll feel good about yourself, trust me.

9:00 a.m. — Turn on Oregon State at Michigan. The early slate of games isn’t great this week, but OSU-Michigan could be fun. (For the record, Oregon State’s gets the “OSU” abbreviation for the rest of the season. Ohio State will be abbreviated “FU” for “F***ing Unfair.”) You have Harbaugh on the sidelines, which is always a hoot if you find someone screaming until he’s beet-red in the face to be hilarious. You have the new-look Beavers led by freshman quarterback Seth Collins, who likes to hurdle people (no, seriously, it’s kind of his thing.) Michigan is favored, being at home, but don’t be surprised if the Beavers keep things close.

Alternative options: Kansas State and Texas San Antonio (NSFW marching bands FTW) and Bowling Green at Maryland (there’s a chance that Maryland’s Will Likely will run, like, eight punts back for touchdowns).

10:30ish a.m. — Halftime! Hop on Twitter to harass fans of the losing team. They love that.

12:30 p.m. — OK, you made it through the first game of the day, but now you are faced with a load of options in terms of where to direct your eyes next. Do you want to watch Ohio State and their ridiculous offense maul Hawaii? If you like bloodshed, that could be fun. Georgia Tech is hosting Tulane, and watching the triple-option is one of life’s sweetest subtle pleasures, so maybe hop over to ESPN3 and peek in on the Yellow Jackets. Notre Dame is taking on Virginia, and watching the Fighting Irish is always a good time because they are, you know, utterly detestable. For an actual conference game — yes, those exist this early in the season! — Georgia is taking on Vanderbilt. That will be my choice, mainly because Nick Chubb will probably rip off 100 yards and a few TDs in the first half alone, because Nick Chubb is perhaps not of this world.

1:30 p.m. — Come up with an eating plan for the rest of the day. Boy, wouldn’t it be handy if there was a slideshow about the best game-day snacks? I bet that’d be super handy.

Next: 10 Best Snacks For Football Season

2:00 p.m. — Have all the 12:30 games devolved into boring blowouts? Well, you can watch Jared Goff and Cal light up San Diego State for a few quarters. If that doesn’t strike your fancy, maybe use this time to call your grandparents. When’s the last time you gave them a ring? I bet they’d like to hear from you.

3:00 p.m. — Well, if you really like teams based in the state of North Carolina, the Tar Heels, Blue Devils, and Wolfpack all play at the same time (against North Carolina A&T, North Carolina Central, and Eastern Kentucky, respectively). Most people, though, will be tuning in to watch Oklahoma at Tennessee, which has claimed fraudulent marquee-game status thanks to pollsters putting the Vols in the Top 25. Gotta love that SEC hype.

3:30 p.m. — Call your friends and invite them over for the evening games. If you don’t have friends, just talk to some imaginary ones. Imaginary friends are great. They never owe you money and you can be naked in front of them without things getting uncomfortable.

4:00 p.m. — Hey, maybe Oklahoma-Tennessee is super exciting, or maybe San Diego State has kept it close against Cal, but if you’re in need of a new game to watch, the 4:00 p.m. slate has some OK options. How will Arizona look without Scooby Wright? The Wildcats are on the road against Nevada. Can Texas A&M build on the momentum they picked up in their Week 1 win over Arizona State? They play host to Ball State. What in the world will Kansas do to shoot themselves in the foot and disgrace football? Tune in when they take on Memphis!

4:19 p.m. — Watch an old D.A.R.E. ad on YouTube.

4:22 p.m. — Watch that same D.A.R.E. ad on YouTube, only this time it’s funnier somehow.

5:00 p.m. — Oregon-Michigan State is your only option here. The Spartans hung with the Ducks in Eugene last year, but those Ducks were led by this guy named Marcus Mariota. Vernon Adams, Oregon’s new quarterback, looked good against Eastern Washington in Week 1, but how will he handle Michigan State’s top-notch defense? Will Royce Freeman, the best running back in the country not named Nick Chubb, be able to get rolling against the Spartans? The Ducks opened as underdogs this week for the first time in years, but don’t be shocked if they march into East Lansing and win.

5:01 p.m. — Crack open your first beer of the day. You did wait until 5:00 p.m. to start drinking, right? Right? (Look, I know you started drinking at noon. Maybe start drinking some water now. Hydrate!)

6:15 p.m. — In the event that the Ducks is blowing out Sparty, you can switch over to LSU and Mississippi State. It’s an SEC night game. Dak Prescott. Leonard Fournette. That’s all you need to know. More cowbell!

7:15 p.m. — What in the world will BYU quarterback Tyler Mangum do for an encore after beginning his college career with a Hail Mary touchdown pass against Nebraska? The Cougars will be hosting the Boise State Broncos, which means no blue turf, which means Boise State will actually be watchable.

7:30 p.m. — Not in the mood for the Broncos and Cougars? You can watch UCLA star freshman quarterback Josh Rosen take on UNLV. If you like football that’s played at a bit slower pace, Stanford hosts UCF during the same time slot. Oh, and at 8:00 p.m. Cal Poly plays Arizona State. If none of these games sound appealing to you, then you clearly don’t know about #Pac12AfterDark. Weird things happen in the Pac-12 when the moon is out.

9:00 p.m. — Hide your phone from yourself. You are probably too drunk to text.

9:30 p.m. — Yes, you’ve been stuffing your face with food all day, but I bet a grilled cheese sandwich sounds preeeettty good right now. Make one or five.

10:00 p.m. — Clean up. Crawl to bed. Get your rest: the NFL season begins in earnest on Sunday.

If you’re going to spend an entire Saturday watching college football, why not watch like a champion?

More from College Football