Ultimate college football viewing guide: Week 4

It’s time for another Saturday of nonstop college football action. Here’s a guide to help you plan your day.

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Are you ready for a Saturday of wall-to-wall college football action? Of course you are. Another Saturday, the first offical one of autumn, is here, which means it is time for you to devote an entire day to watching TV in your best tattered pajamas, never moving from the couch except to raid the cupboard for more snacks.

Sure, there are other things to do on Saturdays instead of watching football from sunup to sundown. There’s this thing called “outside” that people keep raving about. I hear it’s pretty neat. But if you’re like me, like some sort of long-lost twin and/or long-lost evil twin, you’ll be ignoring everything that’s not college football. You’ll be lazy and love it. Some people may call such inactivity “sloth,” but I prefer “sedentary devotion.”

Figuring out just how to spend each hour of Saturday is not easy, so I’m here to help. When it comes to serious topics such as this one, it’s best to trust an expert.

Here’s your Week 4 guide to the ultimate college football Saturday.

(All times PT)

7:30 a.m. — Why not add some high-knee skipping to your stride of pride? Get that heart rate up! It’ll be the only cardiovascular exercise you get for the next twelve hours.

7:40 a.m. — OK, stop with the skipping. It looks weird.

8:15 a.m. — Make yourself a hearty breakfast, preferably one featuring many fine animal products. A football feast doesn’t count unless you can actually hear the fat congealing in your arteries.

8:45 a.m. — Instead of making yourself a boring ol’ mimosa, why don’t you try a ME-mosa? ME-mosas, v pops w/ Millennials, are when you make a mimosa, slam it back, and then go blog about how you’re the only person to ever experience sadness and economic uncertainty.

9:00 a.m. — No. 22 BYU at Michigan is probably the best game in this slot (ABC/WatchESPN). Both teams are 2-1 on the season — the Wolverines coming off a 28-7 win over UNLV and the Cougars looking rebound after losing by one to UCLA. BYU quarterback Tanner Mangum couldn’t muster up any late-game heroics last Saturday, and he’ll be facing a tough test in Michigan’s defense.

(If you’ve for some reason transitioned out of pajama pants and into khakis this early in the morning, then this game is definitely for you. But just know that you’re doing the whole lazing-around-all-day thing wrong.)

While BYU-Michigan should be competitive, I wouldn’t blame you for peeking in on No. 8 LSU at Syracuse (ESPN/WatchESPN). Who needs coffee when you can start your day off with Leonard Fournette? Eat your heart out, Folgers in your cup. Fournette on your TV — or mobile device! — is far superior. If you want to get really fancy, bust out the ol’ picture-in-picture and catch the first few quarters of Southern at No. 7 Georgia. But be warned: a double dose of Fournette and Nick Chubb is no laughing mater. Watching both of them simultaneously is not recommended for people with heart conditions and/or an aversion to awesomeness.

Rounding out the ranked action, there’s Central Michigan at No. 2 Michigan State (BTN). Eh, not the most exciting game, but if the Spartans easily put away the Chippewas expect some chirping from MSU fans about how a top-ranked Big 10 team should look against an inferior opponent.

9:30 a.m. — Will next weekend’s edition of College GameDay be broadcast from Bloomington? Indiana will have to win against Wake Forest on Saturday to keep that dream alive (ESPN3). Chances are that storyline isn’t interesting enough to make you tune in, not unless you’re an actual Hoosiers fan, but just know it’s out there in the sports ether.

10: 15 a.m. — If you have items for your crock-pot, I’d suggest putting them in now. I am not sure who invented the crock-pot, and my lack of knowledge in that area is symptomatic of the crumbling education system in this country. Think about the inventors you learned about in school. Thomas Edison? Leonardo da Vinci? Did those guys invent the contraption that allows me to make an alarming amount of food with no actual effort? No, they did not. Worthless hacks, I say.

11:30 a.m. — Jeff Driskel is in action as Louisiana Tech hosts Florida International. Excited by that sentence? Welcome to #DriskelNation. Population: you.

12:01 p.m. — It is five o’clock somewhere. Crack open a beer. Don’t feel pressured into drinking some fancy IPA with a name like “Satanic Hop Gargoyle” or whatever. Indistinctly flavored beer from a can will do just fine.

12:30 p.m. — Which storyline interests you more: a ten-year winning streak in a bitter rivalry, or the top-ranked team in the country looking to impress after a lackluster showing the previous week? If the former, you’ll want to check out Tennessee at Florida (CBS). Florida will be without cornerback Jalen Tabor and quarterback Treon Harris, both of whom are suspended. Tennessee will be similarly hampered simply by being Tennessee.

If an SEC rivalry doesn’t strike your fancy, then watch Western Michigan against No. 1 Ohio State (ABC/ESPN2/WatchESPN). Ohio State quarterback Cardale Jones looked out of sorts last weekend, and the Buckeyes barely escaped a pesky Northern Illinois squad. Expect the Buckeyes to come out fired up.

1:00 p.m. — Louisiana Monroe at No. 12 Alabama (SEC Network/WatchESPN) won’t be a good game, so don’t bother tuning in. Instead just revisit those hilarious pictures of sad Alabama fans from last weekend.

1:45 p.m. — TCU embarrassed the Texas Tech last year, dropping an astounding 82 points on the hapless Red Raiders. Don’t expect a similar beat-down this time around, though. Head coach and mic-drop specialist Kliff Kingsbury has the Red Raiders off to a good start in 2015, and the team should be swelling with confidence after knocking off the Arkansas Razorbacks in Fayetteville last weekend. Expect lots of passing. Like, lots and lots of passing. Try not to tweak you shoulder as you toss handfuls of candy corn into your mouth. (The game can be seen on FOX).

2:00 p.m. — Speaking of passing, the California Golden Bears, fresh off their wild win over the Texas Longhorns, will be in Seattle to take on Chris Petersen’s Washington Huskies (Pac-12 Network). Jared Goff and Cal’s aerial attack will test Washington’s defense. Also, if you’re the betting type — which I do not condone because gambling is dumb and gambling on amateur sports is kinda heinous — take a peek at the betting line for this game. If Cal is still favored by less than a touchdown, consider scrounging up some change from your couch cushions and putting it on the Golden Bears to beat the spread.

3:00 p.m. — I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the air in your living room probably smells like farts by this time. Go outside for ten minutes of fresh air.

4:00 p.m. — There’s No. 14 Texas A&M at Arkansas and Vanderbilt at No. 3 Ole Miss. Cool, I guess. Maybe Vandy will keep things close against the red-hot Rebels, but I wouldn’t bet on it. If neither of those games strike your fancy, just sit tight for a bit until Mississippi State and Auburn come on at 4:30 (ESPN2/Watch ESPN). Sean White will be starting for Auburn in place of Jeremy Johnson, whose performance against LSU last weekend was, shall we say, disappointing. Auburn will probably lose by 15 and still find a way to climb in the polls. S-E-C! S-E-C!

5:o0 p.m. — Here we go. No. 9 UCLA, led by stud freshman quarterback Josh Rosen, is in Tuscon to play No. 16 Arizona. On the sartorial side of things, the Wildcats will be rocking some spiffy red helmets. Oooh, shiny! In terms of actual football, this game lost a bit of it’s luster when it came out that UCLA multipurpose weapon Myles Jack is out for the season. Pour out a little beer for the young man.

But keep an eye on UCLA running back Paul Perkins, who is finally starting to creep onto the national radar. Perkins put together a great campaign last season, rushing for 1,575 yards, but somehow got lost in the conversational shuffle. He’s off to a great start in 2015, and with Arizona All-American linebacker Scooby Wright’s injury status still up in the air, the Wildcats will have to band together to contain Perkins.

UA’s rushing attack, led by the criminally underrated Nick Wilson, is strong as well, and quarterback Anu Solomon has drastically improved his accuracy over last season. This game is critical to the Pac-12 South standings, so don’t miss it (ABC/WatchESPN).

5:30 p.m. — No. 18 Utah is taking on No. 13 Oregon (FOX). This game should have Duck fans a bit worried. Utah is a physical team, and the Utes haven’t allowed a rushing touchdown yet this season, one of only four teams in the country able to make that claim. If Royce Freeman can’t get things going on the ground, Oregon will to take to the air, which is a troubling prospect considering the uncertain status of Vernon Adams, who didn’t play in Oregon’s last game due to a broken finger.

Utah is dealing with quarterback issues too. Travis Wilson will probably start, but don’t be surprised if Kendal Thompson makes an appearance. Oregon’s secondary has been putrid this year, so look for Utah to exploit that vulnerability. The star to pay attention to for the Utes is running back Devontae Booker, a tough runner whom the Utes will need to step up if they want to leave Autzen with an upset win.

6:15 p.m. — It’s probably time for you to order another pizza. But I’m not hungry, you say. Tough it out. Not being hungry for pizza is just your stomach tricking your soul.

6:45 p.m. — Tip your pizza delivery person.

7:30 p.m. — In what should be some exciting late-night action, the No. 19 USC Trojans, coming off a startling upset at the hands of Stanford, are in Tempe to take on unranked Arizona State (ESPN/WatchESPN). Last year’s game between these two Pac-12 South foes ended in spectacular fashion, with ASU quarterback Mike Bercovici tossing a Hail Mary to Jaelen Strong (now on the Houston Texans). Will similar dramatics take place this season? Only one way to find out.

9:30 p.m. — Start cleaning up the mess in your living room and kitchen. Non-sober cleaning is the best cleaning.

10:15 p.m. — You should probably recheck the drunken tweets you’ve been firing off all afternoon to make sure none are fireable offenses.

11:00 p.m. — After a full day of relaxing on the couch, it’s time to unwind and go relax in your bed. Sleep tight! If your body permits it, try to hibernate until next Saturday. The days between Saturdays are garbage days anyway.

It’s time for another Saturday of nonstop college football action. Here’s a guide to help you plan your day.

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