The repeating ads on live streams are intolerable

While being able to watch sports online is quite the glorious technological development, right up there with the wheel and the Magic Bullet in terms of historical significance, there is still a major flaw in the system: the repetition of ads. And by “flaw” I mean “thing that makes me want to gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums in protest.” That sounds hyperbolic, sure, but after seeing an ad for the zillionth time, desperation seeps in. Playing the same advertisements every single commercial break isn’t classified as a crime against humanity, but it should be. One of the bozos running for office in 2016 should get on that.

One on hand, it seems a tad ungrateful to complain. After all, the convenience of online streaming is irrefutable. Watching a game out at a bar, for example, can be exhausting. There’s shouting, jostling, spilled drinks, slurred armchair analysis from strangers in grease-stained jerseys. Plus the bar experience requires you to give up some freedoms. The crass jokes and screamed curses that fly in the privacy of your own den aren’t permissible in public. And while having cable certainly affords you the ability to stay home and act as boorish and unhinged as you want during a game, it comes with the cost of, well, a cable bill — a cost that more and more people are finding unpalatable. With those things in mind, being able to stream a game online is a cost-efficient godsend. You can split an account with friends and family, and suddenly the world of live sports is at your fingertips no matter where you are, as long as you have the proper technology at hand. That’s convenience. Complaining about ads seems entitled, whiny.

But you know what? Screw it. It’s not a sin to complain at length about tiny inconveniences. Hell, grouse about such things well enough and you’re Larry freakin’ David. Overreacting to minor annoyances is a human. Venting is good, healthy. Suppress those complaints for too long and one day you’ll snap and do something rash. Build a molehill into a mountain now so you don’t wind up putting a confused sandwich artist in an MMA chokehold because he used the regular mustard, not the honey variety. Be proactive, preemptive.

Because here’s the thing: seeing the same ads over and over and over and over is f—ing intolerable. There’s no way to spin it as a positive. Ads are terrible enough anyway. They’re a necessary evil. Sure, the occasional 30-second spot may elicit a soft chuckle, but that’s about it. Seeing ads repeated throughout the entirety of a broadcast is a circle of Hell that should only be reserved for the basest of people: people who spell it “catsup” and not “ketchup,” people who talk during movies, people who support non-crunchy peanut butter, Patriots fans. You know, the worst of the worst. Yet it’s a punishment all of us, even the innocent, are forced to endure. The gods of advertising revenue are cruel, vengeful gods of the Old Testament variety, all spite and smite.

It’s maddening, the repetition of ads. Have you ever said a word so many times that it seems to lose meaning, the syllables and sounds sitting weirdly in your mouth, jumbled and discordant? Seeing the same ads over and over produces a strangely opposite effect: what was once easy to ignore seems to cohere, become more solid, more real. The ads become intrusive; they worm their way into your brain, take root in your gray matter.

At first you laugh. Ha, who could be dumb enough to actually find this silly ad memorable, you think. You do your parodies, your little snide commentary. But then it’s hours later: you’re in the bathroom, wondering why you decided to slather country gravy on fish sticks, your stomach full of guilt and agony, when all of a sudden you notice how all your thoughts are structured to fit the seven-syllable singalong pattern of those damn Nationwide ads starring Peyton “Too Bad There Are No PEDs For Acting” Manning: My diet will kill me soon. Followed by: Why am I thinking like this? Followed by: Oh my god this is awful. Then: I hate you Peyton Manning. Then: Honestly just kill me now.

Before you know it, your stomach cramps have subsided (victory!), but your internal monologue is stuck in jingle mode (not so much a victory!). It’s horrible, being unable to get an insurance ad out of your head. It’s like some Kilgrave /Don Draper fanfic gone awry. Think about it in terms of the last few weekends of NFL action: is having your private thought process derailed due to overexposure to a single ad a fair trade-off for indulging in the visceral pleasures — shameful, undeniable — derived from loving a barbaric sport in which lifelong physical and mental damage are par for the course? Obviously not.

Is muting the ads an option? Duh. But get such practical solutions outta here. It’s about the principle of the matter, dammit. Nobody wants to see the same ads played every single commercial break. Well, perhaps there are masochists out there who find pleasurable discomfort in hearing repeated jingles, but that can’t possibly be a large demographic. For most fans who are watching games online, the repeated ads are a burden, an obnoxious force that detracts from the overall viewing experience. Yes, the ads can be toughed out, endured, but that’s the whole thing: they shouldn’t have to be. There has to be a better system, right? Anything would be better, almost literally. At this point putting the classic dial-up internet noise on loop seems preferable. (OK, that’s a bit extreme, but you get the picture.)

In the end, however, the cycle of ads won’t stop anyone from taking advantage of the convenience online streaming provides. As annoying as the ads are, as much as they seem to be part of some evil CIA brainwashing experiment to control the masses, missing games just isn’t an option. Fans are stubborn that way. But that ugly truth doesn’t erase how infuriating it is to see the same ads on repeat. The advertisers and the networks have to understand that no good comes from the current way of doing things … unless the advertisers and networks are in cahoots with the big players in the ear plug industry, not to mention aligned with a shadowy cabal of contractors specializing in the the repair of holes punched in walls out of rage. Hmmm… *cue X-Files theme*