25 NBA players who can help you survive a zombie apocalypse

23. Boogie Cousins

Because Boogie. He’s large and menacing. Whose side do you want him on?

Despite the cratering nature of the Sacramento Kings, Boogie keeps performing. Maybe not to hopes but to reasonable expectations. When I think of Boogie, I think of reason.

The question for him comes down to motivation. Maybe inspiring Ben McLemore isn’t really his thing. Nor is giving much attention or time to helping develop Willey Cayuley-Stein. These things don’t make him go “Heck yeah, baby. Woo to the hoo.” Nothing makes anyone say that, to be fair.

But the apocalypse probably would at least elicit some internal prompt to give a bit of effort. It’s hard to read what Boogie cares about, but I feel safe in saying he cares about himself. That and Henessy on days off. Maybe the Henessy can help. You gotta be loose when swinging a golf club at a reanimated corpse. I’ve seen people on Twitch play Dead Rising, and most of them are inebriated.

Plus, he seems to thrive on various annoyances or slights. When he doesn’t shut down and start thinking about pinterest, he turns bad calls or missed fouls into physical manifestations of unrest all over the faces of the perpetrators. Maybe a zombie will be in the restricted area when trying to take a charge on a DeMarcus torso missile. There are no refs for rapture. DeMarcus is going to have to fend for himself.

He’s better that way. We’re all better that way. Flock to Boogie. Boogie will save Boogie, and maybe that will save you.