Dikembe Mutombo does not want you to go to the Philippines to save him

We all get hacked sometimes. It’s just the nature of having hackable things like cell phones and refrigerators. Kurt Angle knows this, you know this, and now Dikembe Mutombo knows it too, if he didn’t already.

The poor guy just can’t catch a break. First he plays for the Denver Nuggets, and now this.

It’s more important that he’s safe though. We all should cherish that kind of thing. Safety is taken for granted until it’s taken away. We should all set aside some time today to hug our favorite airbag. Mine’s name is “Gavin.” Maybe play “Airbag” by Radiohead while you do it. Airbags like that song, but not for the reason you might think.

This post does raise two important questions though. The first is, if you’re going to rob anyone, why would you pick Dikembe Mutombo? He’s tall, he’s physical, and he made a living off of squashing the hopes and dreams of anyone who invades his personal space. Maybe rob someone else. Maybe an infant.

The second question is if the person who was robbed wasn’t Dikembe, who was it? And how did he know? (That’s three questions, but counting is hard.) Was Dikembe in on it? (Four.) I don’t think it’s likely that he is, but you have to hear both sides.

Listen: Jimmy Butler just keeps getting better

If there was a robbery my guess was that the person robbed was likely a Dikembe Mutombo lookalike. There’s good money in looking like Mutombo, and it’s possible that one of these guys was making a deposit in Manila and a masked motorcycle game flew off a neighboring roof in a really cool and intimidating V shape and circled him and circled him until he threw his money into the air before running off screaming. That’s the most reasonable scenario, but it’s been a while since I’ve robbed anyone on a motorcycle. Things might have changed. Time marches onward.