One crazy trade every NBA team should make

6. Minnesota Timberwolves

I have a theory. You know how Denver and Utah are supposedly really good at endurance late into games because they play at higher altitude? Well, the Timberwolves are not good at that. Close games do not go in their favor. This dates back before the current iteration of their team, back in the long long ago of Kevin Love. Therefore it only follows that Minnesota is deep below sea level.

I looked at some maps, and they disagree with me. This means we are to distrust maps. By my measurements, Minnesota is about 2250 feet below the ocean floor. It’s a rough place for any species to survive, especially one that has Tim Thibodeau hoarsing at them. But basketball players are tough. After the apocalypse there will be exoskeletons, twinkies, and Karl-Anthony Towns double-doubles.

None of this changes the fact that the Timberwolves need help now, and the apocalypse is at least a couple weeks away. What we need is someone (or something) who thrives at low altitudes; someone that maybe comes from the earth’s mantle. The closest thing we might have to that in today’s NBA is Mario Hezonja.

Now ignore his play. Ignore the first name “Mario” unless you want to focus on the fantasy world elements. “Hezonja” sounds like the name of a resurrected molten lizard god. If anyone could be from the earth’s core, it’s him. And if anyone could keep a reptile deity in line, it’s Thibs. Plus his value is pretty low right now.

Shabazz Muhammed to Orlando for Mario “Iguanid Divinity” Hezonja