One crazy trade every NBA team should make

27. New York Knicks

Not every trade is going to involve Sacramento. At least one more will, though, because we haven’t gotten to the Sacramento slide yet. We’ll get there, though.

Instead, this trade involves someone who was raised just outside of Sacramento in Ferndale, CA. A mere five hour drive, which in California is tantamount to a Manhattan walk to the police station to report your dog’s missing leg.

Derrick Rose is not really a likable player. Derrick Rose is not really a likable person. Beyond allegations of rancid actions, he’s never been especially nice to listen to or fun to root for. His MVP season, while fantastic, was more to do with LeBron’s poorly booked heel turn. His comments on his injuries, while often fair, seemed slightly tone deaf. The declaration of a Knicks Super Team, while presumably made under the influence of strong hallucinogenics, was ridiculous. Maybe it was different for people in Chicago while he was in Chicago, but I’ve had mouth sores I’ve enjoyed more than Derrick Rose.

Also, there are no good restaurants in New York. Ask anyone in from Queens to Staten Island, and they’ll tell you might as well stay home and eat the drywall rather than pay for that ketchup-covered graham cracker that passes for pizza over there. They hate it.

So who can fix this mess? Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri can fix anything. Just picture him with his sunglasses on the back of his head, driving his awesome red convertible down the wide open roads. That’s another ten, twenty wins in the bag right there. Maybe not in the basketball game, but the game of life.

Derrick Rose to The Abyss for Guy Fieri. There’s no good food in New York.