New Orleans Pelicans have decided that scary babies are actually good

It’s a Friday. It’s mid-afternoon, and you’re just kind of doofing around on Twitter. Nothing in particular is crossing your dashboard. Oh look, that person said a thing. Whatever. The Korver trade happened yesterday. It’s quiet. You’re unassuming. These are when bad things happen: when you least expect it. That doesn’t occur to you though, because you’re not expecting it. Expecting the unexpected is not a thing one can really do. The unexpected is exactly that. Oh, hey. The New Orleans Pelicans posted a tweet with a video. I wonder what

OH MY GOD

Sometimes people wonder what will be the last thing they see before they die. I think nine out of ten times it’s going to be something like this. Nonsensical and terrifying. Again: oh my god.

How is any aspect of this good? Why would this be done? Free cake hooray and all, but at what cost? Your personal space? Your safety? Your life? How do I know the person receiving the cake wasn’t poisoned or accosted physically? The video stops before the knife comes out. You need a knife to cut a cake, but you also need it to make stab holes in living meat, and I don’t know what to expect from life any more.

That baby wants to get inside. You know it does. It’s raining. That plastic suit cocooning whatever creature shambles inside it probably doesn’t keep all the rain out. The water probably collects at the bottom. That’s annoying. That’s probably just annoying enough to trigger anger and mania.

Next: Nobody can spell Kyle Lowry correctly

I need some evidence that the poor man receiving the baby cake has not been harmed. I don’t want to call the cops, but I don’t want to be just another witless witness with the bystander effect. Even if he’s physically fine, someone needs to sweep up the shards of his sanity.

This is the worst birthday ever.