Tim Duncan has his own cereal

I miss Tim Duncan. In a league of white noise machines and teddy bears, he was a pillow.

Pillows are good unless they’re not. Bad pillows are super noticeable. They hurt your neck or chafe your ear. If a pillow sucks, you know the pillow sucks, and then the pillow goes away.

A pillow doing what a pillow should often goes unnoticed. They’re a fundamental part of one’s nighttime routine, but if you think about what you do before going to bed, you’re probably not going to pick out the pillow. There’s the toothbrush, and the slow-motion video of red pandas, and the lighting of the candle next to the framed 8×10 picture of Dean Ambrose, but the pillow is just there. It’s assumed. If you’re going to rest your head somewhere, you’re probably going to have a pillow.

But every once in a while you can notice “Holy heck, my pillow is great,” and you remember just how lucky you are. Duncan was a comfortable presence when you saw him on the court. And then you fell asleep because the Spurs are boring.

H.E.B. does fine commercials with San Antonio Spurs players. They’re legendary to people who have a very strange definition of “legend.” Usually this only includes current members of the organization, but in this case they brought in the recently retired Duncan to pitch his new cereal to a bunch of tiny people.

This should go great, right? Everyone knows Tim Duncan. Everyone respects his legacy. Children think what I want them to think, and they think he’s fantastic, don’t they?

Man, I hate millenials. Or 1990’s kids. Or 2000’s kids. Whatever labeled subsection of human life these small children make up is bad. When problems I don’t understand arise in the future, I’ll make sure to blanket blame them for everything. And I’ll feel self-righteous too. I love feeling self-righteous. It’s one of my favorite emotions, next to “smug satisfaction” and “masturbatory feigned confusion.” If you don’t understand the difference, then you’re probably a part of whatever problem I think the problem is.

Next: The Houston Rockets scoreboard literally cannot handle Nene

I’m getting off track. I can’t wait for Elon Musk’s self-driving articles unless millenials feel the same in which case I change my mind. This commercial is funny, and Tim Duncan is great. He’s transitioning into a new role, and I think it works. After you wake up from another rough night with your newfangled spine-support, manufactured, head-clutch, memory-foam monstrosity, you need breakfast.