The NBA’s tank season is finally over. Isn’t this where we came in?
Goodbye to the NBA regular season. Do you remember The Matrix: Revolutions? Maybe you tried to forget it. Too bad. That’s what this tank season felt like.
Seasons typically start with some sort of hope. The first Matrix movie had that.
- It had Keanu Reeves
- The movie was good.
When there were two sequels to come out a short time apart, that was exciting. “Heck yeah!” the world said.
Then sequels happened. Then the season played out. The Matrix: Reloaded had some neat scenes with Hugo Weavings busting out of doors, but the movie itself instilled more of a feeling of “oh.” Much of that hope was smashed to bits with tiny hammers.
Once The Matrix: Revolutions came, you watched just because you had to see everything end. It had to end. And it ended with a bunch of people dying, and things not really resolved.
Picture the final scene from the perspective of the people of Zion. You’re part of a bunch of people crammed into the earth’s crust shoving your frightened bodies into a hole still filled with rave stench from a few nights before, just to watch doom machines rain down from on high. You’re terrified, and confused, and probably sweaty. Then it just stops.
Sounds a lot like the last week of the NBA season.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves
With a shocking last second appearance on the tank rankings, we have the Minnesota Timberwolves! No fanfare, no exceptional controversy, just six straight losses to get right into the sixth most lottery balls. That makes them five because Brooklyn doesn’t count. It never really has in so many ways.
Minnesota. No. 6. Excellent work.
The sixth spot is ahead of the perennial pain trains in New York and Sacramento. Those two teams have been staples of this ranking for the last month, and it’s weird not to see them here. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. It’s probably neither because they still have amazing potential for pain. Let’s explore that.
Sacramento Maximum Pain Scenario (SMPS) is as follows.
Sacramento pick goes #1
Pelicans pick goes #2
Philadelphia’s pick falls and falls and falls.
The Kings would have the indignity of seeing their name next to #1 only to see Philadelphia swoop in and carry the pick away in Bryan Colangelo’s mouth-talons. They wouldn’t have the solace of New Orleans’ first rounder because it’s top-three protected. The pick swap with Philadelphia from that point could go deeper and deeper into the first round.
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Does this cause you pain. Maybe not. This would mostly cause pain to Sacramento. They don’t really need it at this point, but maybe they’re numb by now, so it’d be okay.
Knicks Maximum Pain Scenario (KMPS) is as follows:
Knicks get #1 pick.
Bonus points if LA goes number two. This is mostly pain for me because I’ll have to trudge through conspiracy theory mess for days and weeks and years. I don’t want that. I’ve suffered enough.
My point is: yay Minnesota. I think.