The Portland Trail Blazers are down big. It will take big ideas to extract them from their Nurkic-shaped hole.
For the Portland Trail Blazers, there are few more comforting words in the world than the “ANYTHING IS POSSSIBLE” Kevin Garnett unleashed after winning the big team basketball award in 2008. It was emotional and earnest. That’s all one wants from a postgame interview. From that day forward, children all around Boston dreamt of growing wings and leaving for a better city because Mr. Garnett said they it could happen. It’s a beautiful story.
But when KG roared this into the night, did he mean it was possible and therefore necessary that a team facing a two-game deficit as the underdog in an No. 8 vs. No. 1 first-round matchup do whatever it takes to gain control of a series even if that means utilizing illogical and wholly impractical means?
Yes. Yes he did. As such, I have strategic ideas for the Blazers.
5. Unplug the Magic Toaster
Klay Thompson signed a toaster once. The story should have ended there, but it didn’t. Instead, the Warriors have won nearly every single game since. Is that a coincidence? I’ll let you decide as long as you decide that it isn’t.
Some people think that household appliances are imbued with magic powers. If you’re not a contrarian, you’d be wise to agree. How else does the light in the refrigerator know how to turn on when you open the door? Freezer fairies. That’s how that works.
Since Klay Thompson signed this shiny bread burner, the Warriors have been approximately 39-1.5. Fleshed out over an 82 game season, that would be 79-3. It’d be 85-3 if you threw in a couple more wins for fun.
That said, even with a soul, appliances can’t do much without power. Do you remember The Brave Little Toaster? If there is any toaster you should remember that you don’t know personally, it should be this one. It was a charming tale of a bunch of appliances trudging through mud, city, and junkyard to be plugged in to some dude they liked again. Your electric blanket is adorable, and your vacuum is a sardonic hero.
However, in order to complete this journey they needed a constant source of power. They hooked themselves up to a car battery (which was sentient because that’d be ridiculous) and went on their sing-songy way.
What the Blazers need to do is take a hammer to that battery, and ruin Klay Thompson’s life forever. The emotional connection is one thing, but Final Fantasy 6 taught me that all magic is meant to disappear from the world, and this is how we’re going to make that happen.