Fansided

The Utah Jazz mascot will not allow you to be mean to kids

By Matt Rutkowski

Dec 31, 2016; Salt Lake City, UT, USA; Utah Jazz mascot Jazz Bear rides onto the court prior to the game against the Phoenix Suns at Vivint Smart Home Arena. The Jazz won 91-86. Mandatory Credit: Russ Isabella-USA TODAY Sports
Dec 31, 2016; Salt Lake City, UT, USA; Utah Jazz mascot Jazz Bear rides onto the court prior to the game against the Phoenix Suns at Vivint Smart Home Arena. The Jazz won 91-86. Mandatory Credit: Russ Isabella-USA TODAY Sports /
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It’s fun being mean to kids, right? Of course it is. Everyone loves it, especially the kids. Not immediately, but later on in life they’ll remember that the time you colored the last Easter egg when they really wanted it as the time they first realized that life is a struggle and there are no participation trophies. Or something. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s important to be a jerk to everyone near you, especially if they’re shorter than 5-foot-2 or aren’t old enough to drive. Well, I would have said that had I not seen the Utah Jazz mascot do this physical dishonor to a man an inflatable hamster ball.

Ow. A lot of ow. He just lowered the shoulder and went full steam at that dude. He might be dead. In case he’s dead let’s have a moment of silence — okay that was long enough.

Credit due for the excellent editing of that short clip. It hit all the important points, and got the full run up to the shoulder tackle. Excellent work, Jon. Your efforts are appreciated.

This opens up a whole hallway of doors for mascots. We’re used to them being the victims of Lopez assaults or creepy idiots like the King Cake Baby. They’re usually the subject of derision or abuse, but the Utah Jazz Bear turned that all the way around, much like that man’s neck did a full 360 on his shoulders. Again — maybe dead.

This is a scary thought though. We can’t say for sure what sets mascots off. If a time-honored, universally-respected act like being callous to children will make a mascot accost you, then where are the lines drawn? Is gawking at accidents suddenly a bad thing? What about talking during a boring movie that’s in the wrong language? Will that get your face slammed to the hardwood? I bet we can’t even throw cigarette butts in peoples’ gardens any more.

Next: Which NBA players can help you survive the zombie apocalypse?

Whatever. These are scary times to be a normal human being like me with normal interpersonal standards like I have. I’m going to play it safe and just stick to being mean to people on the internet.

You’re a dork. Hahaha

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