Your utterly official 2017 BIG3 mock draft

On Sunday, April 30, the captains and coaches of the BIG3’s eight teams will be making their picks for the league’s inaugural draft. (It’s even open to the public and if you happen to be in Las Vegas, you can swing by and watch in person!) These are tense moments. Split second changes to big boards can occur at any moments. An unexpected pick can shift strategy at the drop of a poker chip. One minute Marcus Banks is in the palm of your hand. The next minute, he’s shaking Charles Oakley’s and wondering what it is he really signed up for.

Preparation isn’t enough. Well, it is because it has to be, but let’s pretend it isn’t. With that in mind, myself and Jeremy “Jez” Lambert decided to put together some teams ourselves and run a mock draft. If you’re not familiar with the BIG3, it’s a professional 3-on-3 league that will be beginning play this summer. A variety of former NBA players are involved as coaches and captains, and the player pool for their upcoming draft is mostly recently retired NBA players as well. Here’s the current set-up for teams and coaches.

In addition to those teams, an eighth squad — the BallHogs was recently announced. It will be coached by Rick Barry and captained by Brian Scalabrine and the mysterious “Player X.”

Will this mock draft be used as a guide by any of the teams? Will Rick Barry glance at FanSided and think, “Wow, that guy talking about werewolves made a real good point.”? Almost certainly not. I’d bet anything against it.

But I don’t bet. So we’ll begin with a question.

Jeremy Lambert (@jeremylambert88): Heads or tails?

Matt Rutkowski (@MontaWorldPeace): Tails. Always tails.

Lambert:

Don’t judge me. I’ll pick first. Have it in shortly.

Rutkowski: I’ll leave judgment up to whatever higher power you believe most likely to punish you for what you’ve done…this is off to a good start.

Lambert: With the first overall pick in the BIG3 draft, 3’s Company selects the greatest player in Golden State and New York franchise history…Latrell Sprewell.

Allen Iverson and Latrell Sprewell on the same team. Am I supposed to sell you on more? Fine, I’ll tell you a story. Back before NBA Live became obsolete, I always picked the Iverson 76ers because I didn’t like running plays. I just wanted to go one-on-one, maybe use a pick, and attack the basket. It’s why I love using Russell Westbrook in NBA 2K today. My best friend would pick the Knicks. Except, unbeknownst to me, he edited Sprewell’s stats to make him 100 in everything. He would beat me nine out of ten times and I never knew why. How come Sprewell never missed? I didn’t find out he edited Latrell’s stats until years later. I was really dumb as a kid. My point is this: I’m putting ISO Iverson and 100 Sprewell on the same team and they’re easily winning this championship.

Rutkowski: You’re screwing it up in that I wanted to pick Sprewell. That said, Iverson and Sprewell together is the correct choice. It will go well. Sprewell has always had good relationships with his coaches.

With the second overall pick in the draft, the Ghost Ballers select Steve “Stevie Franchise” Francis. With a strong point guard in Bibby and a ball-dominant scorer in Ricky Davis, what this team needs is someone who can also dominate the ball and score.

This draft is top-heavy, I think. I don’t know for sure. It’s difficult to tell from this chair I’m sitting in what shape each of these players are in, if they’ve kept up practice, or if they care. I think Francis cares. There are a few game-changers in here, and Francis is one of them. We can worry about filling in the gaps later. If there’s a Steve Francis left on the board, you take every Steve Francis you can. If anyone is going to lose to Iverson and Sprewell, I want it to be him.

And maybe having all these potentially irritating short dudes on the floor will convince Gervin to take on a role of Player/Coach. Here’s hoping.

Lambert: Have you ever heard the song ‘Game Over’ by Lil Flip? There’s a line that goes, “A franchise like a Houston Rocket.” That’s my favorite memory of Steve Francis.

With the third overall pick, Trilogy selects Reggie Evans. Not only is Evans only 36, I’m fairly positive he was in the NBA two months ago. If not, NBA 2K should really update their rosters because I’m tired of the Kings offering me Reggie Evans in every trade. Also, I should probably stop playing video games so much. Pairing Evans with Kenyon Martin and Al Harrington gives Trilogy a tall trio that will collect all of the rebounds. In a halfcourt game with no transition, rebounding is going to be very important. Rick Mahorn has a clear vision for this team. Just be taller than everyone.

Rutkowski: It’ll be fun to see those three against the Ghost Ballers in some round of the whatever postseason thing that happens. I’m picturing a scenario with 5th graders tossing a 3rd grader’s lunch back and forth over his head. That’s how basketball works. Oh my god, the tapioca is everywhere. That was a vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunchbox. Mike Bibby has looked like a Ninja Turtle at times in his career.

Anyway, you’re kind of busting all my plans by picking the people I want. I don’t know what to do.

And that’s perfect timing because the Ball Hogs make no sense to me either? What’s Brian Scalabrine doing here? Why is it so great? Who is Player X? What’s Rick Barry going to be like as a coach? I don’t see an identity here.

Therefore, I’m going with Kendall Gill. To bring it back to video games, Gill was one of my favorite players in NBA Jam Tournament Edition because he was one of the few guys with absolutely no red or green numbers. He was just a solid 6 or 7 in everything, as I recall. He did everything. The Ball Hogs need some of anything, so Kendall Gill is a good fit. That is to say there is no fit. There’s no round hole or square-shaped peg. There’s just the block of wood. Gill is a high end lacquer.

Lambert: I hope Player X is a different person every game. Make it very pro wrestling. His graphic is just a shadow outline. He shows up in a mask, plays in the game, and doesn’t unmask until the end of the game. But, swerve, it’s a different person under the mask in the next game. One game, fans might be treated to masked Kobe Bryant. The next game, they may see masked Luc Longley. And, if they’re really lucky and the league wants to shell out big money, fans may witness masked Mario Bennett.

The Three-Headed Monsters will select Voshon Lenard with the fifth pick. Gary Payton is the head coach of this team, so he’s going to love coaching Jason Williams and two shooters. I just envision Payton running onto the court in the middle of play and screaming at Williams, Rashard Lewis, and Lenard as they take another four-point shot without playing defense.

Also, can we just talk about how awesome it’s going to be to see White Chocolate play basketball again? How many white kids did Williams give false hope to during his career? He’s like the Eminem of basketball. Except not quite as talented or successful. But it’s still great to have him back.

Rutkowski: I’m a big fan of this pick. This is because I was going to pick him next. I don’t like you any more, Jeremy. We were never friends.

I’m drafting for the Killer 3’s, Jeremy. Do you know how great it would have been to have the best shooter in this draft next to Chauncey Billups whose reputation as a shooter is vastly overrated? At least somewhat good, and that’s a lot. Plus there would have been the Detroit connection, and Stephen Jackson was in the Malice at the Palace, and Charles Oakley fought people too. It would have been perfect.

But that’s gone now. Instead, with the sixth pick in the draft, the Killer 3’s will select Mike James. He’s slightly younger than Leonard and only slightly worse from downtown over the course of his career. Plus he was backing up Chauncey when the Pistons won the title, so they’re probably besties. Team chemistry is important when you have Oakley and Jackson. Any little bit helps.

I don’t know how this team is going to work or what it’s going to do. I just get the feeling their opponents won’t be happy that it’s happening.

Lambert: All I’m learning about this process is that I would make a great NBA draft consultant. The NBA draft isn’t really about getting the best player or the best fit. It’s about pissing off the teams who pick behind you and screwing up their plans. Mike James is a good pick, though. You need another “two-first-name” player to balance out Stephen Jackson.

Power will select Rashad McCants. With Duke’s Corey Maggette on the team, they need a UNC player as well. You can never have enough players North Carolina connected players on your team. Most players that come out of North Carolina are good. The more you have, the more chances you have at one of them being good. It’s simple math, really. Plus. Clyde Drexler owes Michael Jordan a “thank you” for retiring and allowing him to win that title in 1995.

Rutkowski: You’re getting too high up on yourself now. Effective? No, but intelligent? Also no. Josh Childress. Tri-State selects Josh Childress. Josh Childress will now be playing under Dr. J just like I’ve always dreamed. He’s one of the youngest guys still on the board, and he can do a little bit of everything. He doesn’t overlap with Bonzi or O’Neal much, and he’s just fun. No one has ever not had fun watching Josh Childress, and 3-on-3 is all about that. This is the happiest I’ve been with a pick yet. Probably the happiest I’ll ever be full stop. I’m okay with that.

We got our starting 3’s all planned out now. We can probably go with some quick hits on our last 16 picks, unless a certain pick or fit lights up your eye like the Jamario moon lights up the night sky. You’re up with Tri-State.

Lambert: You know who else is high on himself? Dion Waiters. Things are going pretty ok for him. He’s not in the playoffs. He’s at home writing his damn articles. But I’m Dion Waiters.

As we snake around and I pick for Tri-State in the second round, there’s only one man who could possibly join a team with Dr. J, Jermaine O’Neal, and Josh Childress. I’m talking about Jumaine Jones. Jermaine, Josh, and Jumaine jump for joy with jumpers by Julius.

Rutkowski: I don’t know how well Bonzi is going to take that. Get it? Well? It’s because he’s stuck in a well.

Since we’re snaking back around I gotta clean up all these messes you made, starting with Power. I want J.R. Rider there.

Power needs a hook to their team. Maggette, Mobley, and McCants have Emineminem, and that’s sort of something, but it’s not enough. Rider is more. Rider feels like he needs another chapter or two to his story. This could turn out great, or it could be more bad things, but at least he’s a name to make you take notice. I want to see him play, and I want him to be the focal point of a team.

This is a Sacramento Kings type move, but we’re in the top 10, so the Kings had to show up somewhere.

Lambert: J.R. Rider comes before J.R. Smith if their names were called in a classroom. This means nothing.

As it stands, the Killer 3’s are stacked with 3-point shooters. This is no good. Jump shooting teams don’t win championships, Ernie. At some point, they need easy baskets and lockdown defense. That’s why they take Ruben Patterson. A 17 percent 3-point shooter who still averaged 10.7 points per game. And, if Kobe Bryant happens to be the masked man known as Player X, the Killer 3’s will be pretty excited that they have the Kobe Stopper.

Rutkowski: Can’t fault that logic at all. In fact, I’m stealing it.

The Three-Headed Monsters are taking Joe Smith. No flash. No glamour. Just the most NBA experience of any listed player and a name that can be applied to about 15 percent of America. He’s 6-foot-10 and got the closest of any player to average a double-double per 36 for his career. Solid pick, Matt. Great work.

Lambert: When you picked Joe Smith, I immediately thought of Josh Smith. Then, I got really sad.

The BallHogs are going with NBA Champion and Finals legend DeShawn Stevenson. If I have to explain to you why then you don’t deserve to know.

Rutkowski: If we’re assuming that Player X is Kobe Bryant, I am little upset you didn’t go with Smush Parker. I’ll amend that next round if he’s still available.

For now, Trilogy needs a small with a bit of shooting. Al Harrington was surprisingly effective for a big guy, but it’s difficult to have a Stretch Four with only three players. Strangely, that means we’re going with Keith Bogans. He’s the closest thing we have to an outside player with some experience and some volume on 3-pointer. Only issue is that he may expect to start.

Lambert: Player X could be anyone. That’s the beauty of Player X. It could be LeBron James. It could even be Michael Jordan, who many thought would be the next DeShawn Stevenson. Don’t question me, Matt.

Ghost Ballers will select Xavier Silas. This is a Gregg Popovich second round move. Silas only appeared in two NBA games. He’s 29, has fresh legs, and could be loaded with potential. Or he could remain overseas and never step foot on a Big 3 court. Little is known about Xavier Silas, but I’m intrigued. I’m even starting to think he’s Player X.

Rutkowski: The ‘X’ part of his name does check out. You’re probably on to something, but I’m going to pretend you’re not.

With the last pick of the second round, 3’s Company select Earl Boykins. 3’s Company is already at a bit of a height disadvantage with Iverson, so we’re just going to roll with it. Earl Boykins is 3-foot-11, I think. That might distract people from focusing on AI’s height, which is important to do with a second round pick. Shooters are falling off the board like the pictures described in Blink 182’s hit record “Damnit.” That was a zinger of a single.

Lambert: 3’s Company opens the closing round with Allen Iverson’s best friend, Larry Hughes.

Rutkowski: That’s a brilliant choice and a brilliant fit by a brilliant person. Jeremy, I’m inspired,

I’m going with Hakim Warrick for the Ghost Ballers. There are a lot of specialty players on their team right now. Hakim seems like a good utility man. Always important to have a guy like that on the team.

Lambert: Since you ruined my Earl Boykins in the Land of Giants plan, Trilogy will select the second shortest player in the draft — Shane Heal

Rutkowski: You’ve ruined three of mine, so it’s only fair. This plan panned out though. Kobe Bryant and the Ball Hogs select Smush Parker!

Lambert: The Three-Headed Monsters select Mike Sweetney. Combined with Jason Williams to take the form of Sweet Chocolate.

Rutkowski: You’re not making a team any more. You’re making art. The Killer 3’s select Jamario Moon on the off chance he’s capable of helping Jermaine O’Neal turn into a werewolf.

Lambert: I like this theory and wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Power will end their draft by selecting Ndudi Ebi. Ndudi means life and Ebi means shrimp. This is important information.

Rutkowski: With the Isaiah Thomas pick in the BIG3 draft, Tri-State selects this block  and the person that did it — Ivan Johnson.

That fills out the rosters entirely leaving a few free agents floating about. Let’s take a quick look at those.

Any predictions? Any favorites? Any chance anyone stops 3’s Company?

Lambert: I think the league comes down to Player X. If it’s someone the caliber of Iverson, they could be a threat. I also like the Three-Headed Monsters. A lot of spacing on that team and a willing passer. Killer 3’s may beat everyone up. Honestly, all of these teams are intriguing for one reason or another. Except Power. I blame their team name for that, though. Can we skip past the NBA Playoffs and get into BIG3 season?

Rutkowski: I’m down for anything that let’s me fast forward to watching Charles Oakley playing basketball again. Tri-State would have some pain potential along with Killer 3’s. Ghost Ballers would be streaky and dangerous for that reason. I’d put Trilogy on Power’s level as far as danger goes. Then again, just some solid play from solid players might be enough to win. Who knows what version of these players we’ll get? Maybe one of them will have a team of solid old-man rec-league strength and that will just batter the flashier teams into submission. Trilogy and Power might have the best chance to do that. I don’t know.

Next: Which NBA players can help you survive the zombie apocalypse?

Regardless, if we don’t like any of these teams’ makeup it’s our fault because we put them together. For that reason, I’m going to say all these teams are equally amazing. Best of luck out there. Do your GM’s proud.

This was fun. Let’s draft Pokemon next.