I’m hot. You’re hot. Let’s combine our temperature into a collective hot take to light up the sky in fire.
This is your weekly hot take ranking. I don’t know if you know this, but people have opinions, and sometimes they come out in a flaming rage. It’s like that one thing Dhalsim does when you press ⬅️↙⬇️↘➡️and then a punch button. It’s easier if you use a macro controller to program the move in, but that makes you a punk coward idiot. Button mashers are killing the U-30 Southeastern Detroit Recreational Competitive Street Fighter II scene.
In many ways, hot takes are the macro controller of opinions. They take little thought or care, they annoy people, and it only takes one button press to put their damage out into the world. They don’t deserve attention, let alone a second thought.
So let’s rank them! I find hypocrites so annoying.
Hot Take No. 1 — There’s nothing to talk about in the playoffs
Everything is predetermined and gross. The Cavs and Warriors might sweep into the Finals, and that series might not even be any good anyway. We want competitive games. Shows of dominance and skill are less interesting than close contests and whatever the opposite of skill is. I miss being able to switch to Kings vs. Knicks on league pass. Those were the days. Those were the f—ing days.
I disagree. Well, I agree, but I’m tired of talking about.
Hotakacity — 2 hots out of 10 hots
Hot Take No. 2 — Everyone is dirty
Zaza is attacking people with leg positioning. Kelly Olynyk has detached his man-bun and begun lobbing it at approaching players like a grade school softball pitcher. Draymond Green continues to exist as Draymond Green. It’s dangerous and vindictive. We expect better judgment out of these men. They’re basketball players, not presidents.
Unfortunately, so much of this is dependent on intent. We can track eye movement, and position of players versus the play, and other splaps of intentionality, but we can never really know. We can’t read their thoughts. Would we really want to read Draymond’s? Well, maybe for a bit, but it’d probably get scary pretty quick.
Another factor is just how ingrained into the game this behavior is. Do we only see these things now because we’re looking for it from certain people? There’s history to these people, so it’s easy to fill in empty space with what conforms to the present narrative. It’s like connect the dots, except there’s not enough dots to form a real picture so we curve some lines to make it look more like ghost because that’s what we think it should be.
We don’t know. We just don’t. Don’t let that stop us from pretending that we do, though.
Hotakacity — 4 hots out of 10 hots
Hot Take No. 3 — Nobody is dirty
Zaza’s second shifty step was a basketball move. Olynyk’s projectiles are about as violent as fighting with a toddler in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. Draymond Green’s existence continues to be just what Draymond Green does. This is part of the world. This is our landscape now. In the 80’s and 90’s something something toughness something something nostalgia is objective something.
It’s hard to say that all of these plays were basketball plays. I’ve heard of some people who have played basketball before and they tell me that all these people described are very nice and call their mom every night to hug them with words. No one who does that could be dirty.
I continue not to have a clue, and neither do you unless you do.
Hotakacity — 6 hots out of 10 hots
Hot Take No. 4 The Draft is rigged
How else do you explain Boston and Los Angeles, the two most storied franchises in the league getting the top two picks in the draft? These things don’t happen by accident. Adam Silver? More like Adam Purple and Gold and Also Green and White. APGAGW, for short. It’s a travesty, and anyone who doesn’t agree with my conspiracy hypothesis is a sheeple.
First of all, that’s rude. Secondly, there’s also the fact that this was one of the more likely scenarios. It’s not like anyone jumped from 10th into the top two. This is not outside of the realm of reasonable possibility. If there was foul play at hand (no), this is not so far outside the realm of anticipatable results that there’s reason to be upset.
Hotakacity — 6.5 hots out of 10 hots
Hot Take No. 5 — Markelle Fultz isn’t helping the Celtics with the Cavaliers very much, is he?
You know who would be good at that? Jimmy Butler. Or Paul George. Did you see the fight that George put up in the first round? He was the second-best player on the court. Who is the second-best in this series? Isaiah is the biggest defensive liability in the starting lineups. Horford can hit 3s, but how long is that going to hold up? Kyrie hasn’t even been playing average, and the series already seems out of reach. Can’t beat the Cavs with a player that isn’t even in the league yet.
Next: What each NBA coach would be doing if he wasn’t an NBA coach
Sure. I guess this isn’t untrue, but the thing about the present is that it’s the only thing happening right now. Would Butler or George be enough to overcome LeBron playing out of his mind? We’ll have all sorts of time in the coming decade to talk about the Celtics going forward. This is just one season of hopefully many good ones. Video games have taught me that learning how to do something can mean dying a whole bunch. LeBron is a killer.