What if, now stay with me here, but what if NBA players were playing in the 3-on-3 basketball tournament in the 2020 Olympics? They’re not, but it’s important to dream. Dream with me.
I have good news and bad news. The good news? The Olympics decided to steal Ice Cube’s idea and add 3-on-3 basketball to the 2020 Olympics. Neat! The bad news? NBA players probably won’t be playing. On the rocks.
Well that’s a cannon-fired shark to the chin.
But just because a thing by all intents and purposes isn’t happening doesn’t mean we can’t pretend that it is. That’s why the trade machine exists. That’s why we invented intrigue for the 2017 playoffs. Escaping to a tiny kaleidoscoped recess in our own minds is often a more compelling option than letting reality touch us. Reality has the ever-present dread that the Pistons core has already bounced off its ceiling. Reality can eat pureed office supplies.
So with this casual disregard for life as it happens, let’s invent another one! I present to you, some teams for some places!
Canada
Andrew Wiggins, Tristan Thompson, Nik Stauskus, Jamal Murray
Hell yes. Why wait for Steve Nash to fill out an entire roster for Olympic glory? Just cut to the chase, take some good Canadians and Nik Stauskus and let them go to work. Wiggins can score, Thompson can bang, and (providing he’s feeling confident) Stauskus can bang from the outside. Murray coming off the bench for a spark could be killer as well.
The shaky sandwich here is Stauskus. The dude can get into his own head to his detriment. But here he is, son of the great Canadian north, popping along to Tokyo with a maple leaf tattooed on his soul. If anything can inspire him, it’d be being part of this group. I have confidence in him. I like to think he’ll feel it.
Nigeria
Al-Farouq Aminu, Festus Ezeli, Michael Gbinije, Hakeem Olajuwon
I know we’re talking about NBA players, but it feels like the best bet for Festus Ezeli would be to sit out until 2020, recharge those legs, and give it his entirety for a shot at Olympic gold. Maybe he can swap knees with someone. It could be a few years for that operation to exist, so the timetable is perfect.
Aminu is good at basketball, and Gbinije plays for the Drive so he is too. It feels like every time we’ve seen Olajuwon work out with a player since his retirement, he looks to be capable of playing in the NBA still. He should have one last run. The world deserves it, and so does he.
New Zealand
Steven Adams, Aron Baynes, Steven Adams, Steven Adams
If you want to be the person to tell Steven Adams he’s not three people and can’t play three times at once, be my guest. The starting lineup of Adams, Baynes, and Adams would have a toughness about them and some very distinctive hair, but when Adams comes off the bench to join the other two Adamses it’ll be like when Link gets all three pieces of the triforce and the game ends.
We really don’t get to see what Link does after that point, for the most part. Him and Zelda are all “we must protect it so evil never uses it again until it does” and then they stuff it in a sock and bury it in a cave. It’s hard to picture Adams, Adams, or Adams having that kind of foresight. I bet he/they destroys the world. I can’t wait.
Croatia
Mario Hezonja, Dario Saric, Peja Stojakovic, Damjan Rudez
Mario and Dario need to play together at some point. It’s mandatory. Their names rhyme.
How does rhyming play into proper 3-on-3? If you ask me, it comes down to a matter of degree. I’m no real authority; I’ve got a bad back and a weak knee, but as far as I can see, you want every slight bit of ascendancy you can achieve. The dual “ario” forces can sneak into their psyche, and at a moment where one should be locking in, the thought “oh that’s neat how their names rhyme” can cause their attention to flee. I think that’s good.
Peja Stojakovic is there too. It’d be rude not to include Rudez. This may night be a champion, but there’s definitely a noun for them. I just can’t think of what it is.
Russia
Timofey Mozgov, Alexey Shved, Andrei Kirilenko, Sasha Kaun
I miss Sasha Kaun. I feel like 3-on-3 was introduced to the Olympics just to give him some more shine, and I’m not going to be the one to say that’s not a good idea. I’d say the opposite first. How many times have you gotten to see a dude name Sasha play basketball? Less than you’d hope, I’m sure.
The Shved got his shot in the NBA league partially due to a standout performance in the 2012 Olympics. It might be eight years later when Tokyo rolls around, but “Shved” is a cool, name so I don’t think age really makes a difference.
Kirilenko and Mozgov can bond over how Mozgov got massively overpaid by his current team and Kirilenko seemed to get massively underpaid by the Nets. Maybe there’s a story there. Probably not, but we can make one up.
Serbia
Nikola Jokic, Boban Marjanovic, Nemanja Bjelica, Darko Milicic
This is just a good idea. Jokic and Marjanovic are both very tall and very much the opposite of each other. Jokic’s vision and passing ability would be less effective without as many players and angles available to him, but Boban is a player and hid face definitely has some weird angles in it. I feel like that could bridge the gap.
Darko needs a redemption act to his story. Just getting into shape and getting interested in basketball again to the point to play for his country would be enough to make me well up a bit. I just want the best for him. I just want him to be happy. Maybe this will help.
Greece
Giannis Antetokounmpo, Thanasis Antetokounmpo, Georgios Papagiannis, Kostas Papanikolaou
Star, brother, and dads all on one team. I’ve talked about cool names a lot already, but this is the coolest. Think of the the team nicknames we could bust out:
- AnteAntePapaPapa
- Father, Sons, and Holy Kost
- Ante Up
- Freaks and Greeks
- PapaPapaAnteAnte
There is no way this goes poorly. Giannis can do everything, and the other three players can do some things. That adds up to “everything and more.” That’s what it takes to win gold.
Next: The 2017 NBA Draft prospects who will defeat the Golden State Warriors
Poland
Marcin Gortat
He plays his best 3-on-3 by himself. Overwhelming favorite, in my mind.