5 questions for Psychic Tony Romo, featuring Kap, Nic Cage and nuclear winter
As it turns out, Tony Romo is prescient and we would very much like him to apply his skills to these other questions.
Tony Romo has been a delight in the booth and for the third week in a row, Romo (correctly!) predicted a play before it happened. In this case, a run-pass option the Prophet Romo identified as a handoff in the Bengals-Packers game Sunday evening.
It was all very exciting, but not quite as exciting as the what the reality of a psychic Tony Romo could mean for the NFL and the world writ large.
On air, Romo gave us a peak behind the curtain, explaining how he predicted the play:
"In this specific case, the alignment, they stacked the receivers outside. If you get a good box, which means you have five offensive linemen and there’s five guys for them to block, let’s run the ball. If there are six guys, let’s throw the ball. I saw five. I played the percentages"
But it’s perhaps more fun to just believe he’s a psychic with supernatural abilities.
Because if Tony Romo is a psychic with supernatural abilities, well, then, he can apply his formidable skills to give us the answers to all our other most pressing questions.
Including but not limited to:
1. When will an NFL team pick up Colin Kaepernick?
Too real? There’s a non-zero chance that Kaepernick never plays in the NFL again, which makes the question of whether he does and, if so, when an excellent first case for Psychic Romo. Romo’s really good at reading the field and his predictive powers are particularly attune to football-related matters. Meaning, Kap’s future should be an easy question for him to answer — even if it’s anything but in reality.
2. When will Trump stop tweeting about the NFL?
It would be really great if Prophet Romo could tell us when Trump will give up his fight against the NFL, or at least stop tweeting about it. (It’s getting out of control.)
Trump has been tweeting about the NFL ever since announcing at a rally in Alabama that he thinks NFL owners should fire players choosing to protest during the national anthem and it became a whole thing. Every time it seems like he’s on Twitter for a slightly more appropriate albeit still terrifying reason — like tweeting about health care reform — he gets distracted and starts tweeting about how sports fans need to stand and respect the flag.
So, really, it’s a simple question for the clairvoyant Romo and one to which we’re confident he could apply his careful reasoning and/or psychic talents to deliver an answer.
3. Will there be football in the nuclear winter?
While we’re talking about Trump, we also have some questions for Soothsayer Tony about the impending and inevitable nuclear winter. Namely, will there still be football in the apocalypse? Will it still happen on Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays? Will the calendar week still exist in the nuclear winter?
Will they play the national anthem at football games in the nuclear winter? Will players still kneel? Will white supremacy exist?
If there’s no football after nuclear war renders the Earth cold and barren, what did it in and why now?
This is a multi-part question, which is to say, we have a lot of follow-up questions depending on the answer.
4. When will Nicolas Cage gets the gritty prestige TV vehicle he deserves?
You didn’t think we were only going to ask Psychic Romo about football, did you? Nicolas Cage, an American natural treasure, has been overdue for the juicy and redemptive TV role bestowed upon other classic actors who have historically walked the fine line between objectively talented and a total ham. Imagine Nic Cage slightly unhinged but critically acclaimed as the anti-hero of a dark and morally complex prestige saga.
He needs it. We need it. Only the prophet Tony Romo can say when it will happen.
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5. How will Game of Thrones end?
I mean, duh. Tell us Psychic Tony.