Odell Beckham Jr. lifts his leg in celebration. Marcus Cooper let it go at the goal line. The Baltimore Ravens had zero interest in playing in London.
Week 3 of the 2017 NFL season was…scrumtrulescent. While we didn’t get to see Charles Nelson Reilly on Match Game or give a Daniel Day Lewis-level performance as King Lort in A Troll in Central Park, the NFL was unforgettable this weekend.
There were so many close games, so many upsets and so many strange things that happened on the field of play. Some teams like the Detroit Lions lost by like an inch, while other teams like the Baltimore Ravens lost by like the entire width of the Atlantic Ocean.
Regardless, those were still losses. If you add in whatever the Miami Dolphins did to themselves in New Jersey, you’ve got enough l’s to spell LL Cool J correctly. (One…two…three…YES! We can do some math!)
Week 3 was fun, but we didn’t learn as much as we wanted to, probably because we can’t even fit in the building. It’s not like we can go around and say about Random NFL Team: “They are who we thought they were!”
What we did learn is this: The kid with the yellow hair wants to be your dog, but are we sure he’s Loose enough to even know who Iggy Pop is? Philip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs definitely knows who Iggy Pop is: He’s an Almost Famous rock star that prefers to play on the ‘Skins in pick-up basketball. Let…It…Rain!
We also might have learned that some dude named Coop grew up a lot since dinner and probably had a Leon Lett poster in his Camp Firewood Cabin. Lastly, we learned that Joe Flacco is a 90s alternative fan. He loves Third Eye Blind’s debut album (who doesn’t?) because he didn’t want to go to London.
Oh, Week 3, you Dawg…
Poodell Barkham Jr. is a dog
Just because you went to a school where you gotta be a Tiger, doesn’t mean you can’t still be a Dog — even if you never lived in Athens, Cleveland or Starkville. Week 3 was a week that The King of Pop had a bye in the NFL. No, MJ isn’t cheering for the Ravens or the Raiders, he’s watching the kid with the yellow hair from above go from moonwalking to acting like a dog.
Week 3 taught us that the closest thing to a red fire hydrant on the football field is an orange pylon on the corner of the end zone. Odell Beckham Jr. not only exposed us to this sound bit of logic, but exposed his leg in a very lewd celebration. It was more suggestive than that ZZ Top song of the same name.
He has come a long way from downward doggin’ it versus the Browns in the preseason to leaving his scent on a pylon in an invisible slant-like pattern. OBJ let the dogs out and became Poodell Barkham Jr. Too bad it was the second best use of leg in that game.
Some kid that couldn’t be a Tiger in the pros after being a Tiger in Memphis channeled his inner Tony Danza and made that football Fly Like an Eagle for 61 yards to beat PBJ and the Cheesecake Factory menu of the New York Giants. Jake Fromm State Farm Elliott is the Boss and Poodell Barkham Jr. is a winless dog like the Browns.
An inch on the Motown assembly line
The Lions have lost a lot for a long, long time. For that reason, it’s not that hard to Lose Yourself in the music, the moment, you own it. You better never let it go, especially when you get more than one shot in the end zone.
ATL church league basketball bros Matty Ice and Stat Padford met on the Ford Field football field for some football. They competed competitively in this competition. Cool kid Matt was throwing picks like Jameis in the battle of ATL Matts in Motown. There were three, about as many centimeters that former Dawg Matt lost by with eight seconds left.
It’s like Golden Tate didn’t know which Tate Center in Athens was the right one where the meeting was going to be. Instead, he got his toes touched by some Poole guy and he lost by as many inches as his Golden Domers lost to the Dawgs at home two weeks ago: a grand total of one.
If you’re off by an inch on that assembly line, Henry’s not gonna be down with that. Unlike Jim Caldwell, you better believe that Hank is showing some emotion, like that time Hill found out Megalo Mart was selling Strickland Propane on the dime. Yep….yep.
Jay Cutler and the Dolphins made us cry
After smoking the San Diego Los Angeles might be going to San Diego soccer stadium Chargers by like a field goal or something, Jay Cutler and the Miami Dolphins made us cry. Look what you’ve done, you made a fool out of everyone. You lost to Woody and the Jets.
You can’t blame it on the rain or the laces not being out because Milli Vanilli broke up a long time ago and Dan Marino hasn’t played a football game since the Buffalo Bills got Music City Miracled. Dolphins dudes, you were laying six points.
No, it doesn’t count that you scored as many points as you were laying. You lost to The Man of 10,000 Jerseys Josh McCown. He went all na, na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na, na na na na…all over those poor bottlenose dolphins. Alrighty then. You just can’t go to MetLife thinking you’re going to see a Hootie and The Blowfish concert. To think the Jets got a win at Snoopy Stadium before PBJ’s P-Men is pretty remarkable.
Coop makes an oops for Da Bears
Like Kyrie Irving, Marcus Cooper is still a kid, albeit a 27-year-old kid. He might have been born in the summer of his 27th year, as he was trying to go home to place he’d never been before. That place was the end zone and he Leon Lett It Go Fo Sho.
Last week was the annual Joey Galloway not gonna tuck it in or button it up game from the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers didn’t have to take their talents to South Beach this year to lose a game they should have won. Just to the WINdy city where they didn’t get the win. Maybe they want to be Dawgs, too, and firmly believe that life is best lived with an annual Mark Richt letdown game. It’s even easier to be a Dawg when it’s all about The U (overused hand gesture).
But the truth is Coop only did it as a goof. He would never intentionally Leon Lett It Go on the goal line unless he meant to do it as a goof. You don’t need 7,000 CAT scan machines to prove your point. Coop grew up a lot since dinner and even though he didn’t win the talent show at Camp Firewood, Da Bears still won a game with horrendous quarterback play out of Mike Glennon.
Since that War of 1812, Baltimore and London have not had a good relationship. Their hostile relationship inspired Francis Scott Key to write the Star-Spangled Banner. A couple of decades later, that Edgar Allen Poe guy decided he was going to make birds talk. No, we’re not talking about Counting Crows, Adam Duritz, we’re talking about Ravens and how they feel about London: Nevermore.
Cool Joe Flacco saw Sir Blake Bortles put up more points for the hometown London Calling Jaguars on his Baltimore London Nevermore Ravens than he was able to throw for yards. Former Ravens coach Brian Billick, who picked these birds to win in London by virtue of a shutout, could have punted for more yards than Flacco was able to wing it against London’s favorite football team: 28!
Just because you can destroy dreck from the State of Ohio in your own division doesn’t mean can walk into Wembley like you’re Muse or something and beat North Florida’s favorite team in the second home in London. Shad Khan doesn’t mess around with these London games.
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Clearly, Joe Flacco needs something else to get him through this Semi-Charm City Kind of Life more than just football. Johnny Unitas would have won in London because his Louisville Birds have teeth, but maybe not a basketball coach. Baltimore Ravens. London. Nevermore.