Russell Westbrook ends 2017 by ending Thon Maker

Russell Westbrook decided it’d be good to cap 2017 by making Thon Maker dead. It was a gutsy choice. Check it out, and judge the merits for yourself.

“The old me is dead. New year, new me,” the people say. They do; they say that. Usually it’s meant in a more metaphorical sense, but Thon Maker isn’t afforded that leeway. That’s because Russell Westbrook slammed the soul out of his body with all the force of Jenny McCarthy’s three gallons of Botox rupturing out her face on New Year’s eve in Times Square after years and years of physical suppression while Ryan Seacrest watches and stammers from the old TRL studio and the surrounding crowd who understand how vaccination works cheers in approval.

Yep.

It looked like this:

Sorry. That was a clip of the dunk, not McCarthy’s skin splitting to the pressure. Let’s try again.

Nope, that was the dunk again. Darn. Oh well.

It’s fine, really. There’s grace in death. That’s why they make tombstones so elegant and clean. I’ve even made one for Thon in celebration of his brief but beautiful legacy.

Sure, this might just cast further confusion on the actual year of his birth, but let’s not be concerned with that today. Instead, let’s just take a minute to bring to mind our favorite memories of Thon. Mine was finding out the proper pronunciation of his last name and taking to correcting people like Stannis around anyone who says “less” when they should be saying “fewer.” My resolution for this year is to do absolutely nothing different.

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Now let’s be grateful. Thon Maker has been given a second chance at life. 2018 baby-man Thon is going to be a little wiser, I hope. Next time the specter of death in the form of Russell Westbrook is barreling toward his person, maybe he’ll scream and run away. That’s maturity.