Pocket Hedgehogs and the Detroit Pistons attendance

What do Detroit Pistons headcounts and hedgehogs have in common? As it turns out it’s much more than you think. Like, super more. Whoa.

The Detroit Pistons attendance has been unimpressive. Despite a move to a new arena in the downtown area, it’s been like this all year. The Blake Griffin trade has sold some jerseys, but tickets have not come with it. Here’s a quick look at the number of people who have been attending games at the Little Caesers Arena in the last month or so.

• January 15 vs. Hornets – 17,200
• January 19 vs. Wizards – 14,744
• January 21 vs. Nets – 17,554
• January 24 vs. Jazz – 15,682
• January 27 vs. Thunder – 20,491

—Blake Griffin Trade —

• January 30 vs. Cavs – 18,508

—Blake Griffin Starts Playing—

• February 1 vs. Grizz – 17,481
• February 3 vs. Heat – 18,747
• February 5 vs. Blazers – 13,810
• February 7 vs. Nets – 15,114

Per ESPN, the Pistons have been averaging 17,297 people present per game. Granted it’s early, but attendance has actually dipped since acquiring Blake Griffin at a blaggard 16,288. This, apparently, is what 17,000 people look like:

It hasn’t made sense. For a good portion of the year, the Pistons haven’t been depressing. This might be the least depressing they’ve been all year. So what it is the problem? Why do the seats always look so empty?

Last night, I think I figured it out. Pocket Hedgehogs.

People are bigger than hedgehogs. In fact you can fit about three dozen hedgehogs inside a person if you remove the organs and bones. Maybe there were many hedgehogs in attendance, and since they were smaller they went unnoticed in the cynical “Little Caesers Arena is PACKED” tweets.

There was only one way to know for sure. I decided to speak with Pocket Hedgehog to get his thoughts on the whole thing.

Matt Rutkowski: Hi, Pocket Hedgehog. How are you today?

Pocket Hedgehog: First of all, my name is Jason, and second of all I’m fine.

MR: That’s fantastic. So I noticed you made it on the Jumbotron last night. Was that your first time being on camera for so many people?

PH: I have a YouTube channel where I have 26 subscribers, so I’m kind of used to the attention, but it’s my first time being able to perform live. That was my first basketball game ever, actually.

MR: Oh, that is very cool. Especially because you’re a hedgehog. What made you decide to go?

PH: Oh there were a number of things. Corey, my owner, faked sick at work and we got tired of playing “find the old cheeto in the couch and pretend to eat it,” so we just decided to jump on seatgeek and see what we could do.

MR: You didn’t use NBATickets.com? According to the commercial, the Anderso-

PH: I’m going to have to stop you there. Shut up. Shut your mouth.

MR: My apologies, Pocket Hedgehog.

PH: It’s Jason. But yeah, it was a good time. I’d go again.

MR: I’d like to point something out, if you don’t mind. You are a hedgehog and not a person.

PH: Is that troubling for you? Look, it’s not uncommon for hedgehogs to go to Pistons games. They have a rather large following within the hedgehog community. This just happened to be the one time it worked out with our schedules. A lot of my friends are season ticket holders.

MR: Really? Like how many?

PH: I know of at least 300 hedgehogs that have cup-holders reserved for them. That doesn’t even get into the ferret, least weasel, and guinea pig communities. I’d venture to say that there are at least 2,000 small animals gallivanting about the seats at any Pistons game.

MR: Do you think small animal presence is tallied in the official attendance?

PH: Why wouldn’t it? Do you think we don’t count?

MR: Well, not exactly. But you’re small. And I’m pretty sure you’re not actually allowed in the arena. I tried taking in a vole once, and it was confiscated by security.

PH: That’s a vole. I am a hedgehog. I don’t like what I think you’re implying.

MR: I’m not implying anything, Pocket. I’m just saying I’ve never actually seen a hedgehog at a Pistons game, or any game for that matter. Usually when a squirrel or cat shows up on a baseball field, it’s a big deal. The camera follows it, everyone laughs, and we go away from the experience a bit happier. This was a hedgehog in a cupholder. I mean, you were. I apologize if this comes off as special to me.

PH: For the last time, it’s Jason. Just because an experience is foreign to you doesn’t mean it’s abnormal. Cats attend baseball games. Hedgehogs attend basketball games. Poltergeists attend football games. These are just things that are. The bigger deal you make of it the more you reveal your own ignorance. I think I’ve given you enough of my time.

MR: What do you think of the Jameer Nelson deal?

PH: It’s fine.

Next: The Encyclopedia of Modern Moves

And with that the mystery was solved. Attendance may be down in terms of people in Detroit, but not in terms of sentient beings there just to have a good time.

I feel like I’ve learned something today, and I hope you have too.