The 5 scariest things about Scary ‘Terry’ Rozier

Terry Rozier had himself a basketball game tonight. He struck a bit of fear into the hearts of the Philadelphia 76ers. But basketball is only the start.

Terry Rozier played basketball for 35 minutes tonight. In that time he had 29 points, eight rebounds, six assists, two steals, and one block. At least four of those numbers is completely terrifying. You put them together and you have a slight impression of exactly how scary “Terry” Rozier is.

But that’s just a start. Here are five spooky things you might not know about about Rozier.

Please don’t read this list after dark.

5. He can make more threes than your entire team combined

Terry Rozier had seven made three pointers tonight. Philadelphia had five among everybody on their team. I’ve done a bit of research on it, and here’s what I’ve found.

It wasn’t very helpful. However, I know if you subtract five from seven, you get a positive number. Watch how it works

"7 – 5 = 75"

75 is a lot, and think about a world in which there are 75 Terry Roziers. That’s too many.

4. He doesn’t forgive, and he doesn’t forget

Terry Rozier came to the game tonight wearing the jersey of Tom Brady’s former backup, ostensibly to show Kyrie Irving that Rozier does not intend to be the backup for long. Here is Rozier in his own words what that jersey meant.

That’s a clear shot at Kyrie. This type of feud between teammates can be healthy. However, most recorded feuds like this have not involved Rozier. When it involves Rozier, it’s different. It shakes you to the bone, which is a problem when you have a screw rattling around in one of those causing irritation and surgery.

3. The song “Kiss from a Rose” was written about him

This doesn’t seem possible. The song came out in 1994, only a couple months after Terry Rozier was born. Why would Seal write a song about a baby? How could he have known he was going to become the greatest basketball player since whoever the GOAT was considered before this? Paul Millsap, maybe. I don’t know. Time blurs together into a stupid mess when you think about Rozier.

However, when Seal was asked about whether or not “Kiss From a Rose” was about Rozier, here is what he had to say:

I’m as cynical as the next guy, but this is about as conclusive as it gets.

2. Terry Rozier is a master of international peace arrangements

I’ll let this tweet speak for itself.

Now that it’s spoken for itself, I’m going to speak for it. When was the last time a terrible global event happened while a person was playing basketball? Never? Exactly. Rozier is right, which is crazy because he’s left handed.

He plays primarily with his off-hand to make games more competitive.

Next: The Encyclopedia of Modern Moves

1. There were two more before him, and who knows how many more are to come

Technically, Terry Rozier is Terry William Rozier III.

Think about it. This model of life-razing biological agent has been in development for generations, and it may not even stop with him.

Picture all of the carnage you saw tonight but with another 20 years of research, careful gene manipulation, and general technological advancement. The present day edition of Terry Rozier is made out of bones and skin so as best to fit in with humanity at large, but by 2038, who knows what could happen.

Maybe a Terry made out of titanium. Perhaps a wheel or two fitted to the pelvis. Where now there are hands, tomorrow there could be light-bending, pneumonic basko-launchers. Here is one artist rendition of what we may be looking at.

I’m not sure it gets much more intimidating than this. If it does, I don’t want to know.

Sleep well tonight. If you wake, it’s only because Terry Rozier let you.