The ultimate guide to watching the World Cup at work

1 of 15

The World Cup. The one time every four years where countries play soccer against each other. You need to watch, but you also need to pay your bills.

It’s a tough position to be in. Most managers, supervisors, owners, bosses, what have you expect you to do some sort of “work” while you’re on the clock. What they don’t realize is that it’s basically illegal to expect any sort of job performance above “barely adequate.” I’m here to help you turn your work time into chirk time! (Chirk means to make a shrill squeaking sound, which is what I usually do when I watch real good soccer. It makes sense.)

But there are things to be aware of. There are coworkers who may rat you out, or tell you, “Hey Sheryl, that’s company property your watching all that sport on.” We’ll tell you who to avoid and how.

We’ll also tell you the basic methods of attaining some nice quality soccer time on the clock. If you’re going to watch, you might as well watch well.

Finally, specific methods for specific job-types. Certain places of employ have little differences that can make watching your games either easier or tougher. You need to take advantage of the breaks you get and try to contain the issues that arise. We can help.

So strap on your soccer wheels and hit the ice. It’s time for the World Cup! At Work! Your Work! Today!

A picture taken on May 25, 2018 shows a painting depicting a rat by French street artist Codex Urbanus in a sewer, part of the Sewer Museum of Paris. – The Sewer Museum of Paris, which welcomed in 1867 its first visitor, will close on July 1, 2018 for renovation works and will reopen early 2020 with a more modern museography. (Photo by ALAIN JOCARD / AFP) / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE – MANDATORY MENTION OF THE ARTIST UPON PUBLICATION – TO ILLUSTRATE THE EVENT AS SPECIFIED IN THE CAPTION (Photo credit should read ALAIN JOCARD/AFP/Getty Images) /

15. Dennis the out-ratter

The first thing you need to do is get the lay of the land. What is your situation? Are you in a cubicle den? A closet? Maybe you’re in one of those open floor modern monstrosities where you hear your coworker arguing with her mother-in-law standing outside the building trying to get in and screaming about how she won’t “let her see her baby,” by which she means her grandson and not her actual son which is weird. You want to stay out of these things.

Regardless, you will find that no matter your scenario, there’s always the one guy. Let’s call him Dennis. He looks over your shoulder. He’ll be the first to notice if you have solitaire minimized in your taskbar or Facebook open in a tab between price sheets and the company Slack. He won’t state his observations, but will slide it into conversation when your boss is around.

“That one has been flashing on your Facebook tab for a while. It might be your wife. Could be an emergency. Oh hey, Mrs. CEO lady. I didn’t see you there.”

That type of transparent, sycophantic B.S. He can’t be trusted. He knows it, and you know it, but he doesn’t care. This is the time of the year he lives for.

Vigilance. Constant vigilance. Know where he is. Be a little cagier with your open tabs and windows. Maybe find a second browser you can minimize to your notification tray. Just know that if you can’t see him doesn’t mean he can’t see you.