The ultimate guide to watching the World Cup at work

1. So oh god works already over and the doors have been locked and you’re trapped in

This is okay. This is fine. You need to breathe, but do it slowly. There’s only so much oxygen left in the building, and you don’t want to waste it all hyperventilating.

First of all, realize these things happen. Everyone gets locked into some place at one point or another during their lives. Teenagers get locked in their cars when they throw the keys out the window to distract a bear. Kids get locked in toy chests because they’re playing a one-person game of hide and seek and don’t tell anyone. Adults get locked in a gas station beer fridge because they think that the handcuffs they found on the floor didn’t look real and were worth a test.

And, people get stuck in their place of business because they fall asleep on the toilet watching soccer on their phones. It’s exhausting looking over your shoulder all day, and sometimes you just need to retreat elsewhere. And then sometimes you fall asleep.

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It’s fine. It’s normal.

Now there are a few things you need to know. The alarm is probably set. Don’t go trying to get out unless you know the alarm code. Even if you do, don’t. Those things can be tied to you, and you’d have to answer the question of “what were you doing in the office after hours?” You don’t want to answer that.

Which is also why you don’t want to call anyone for help. If you have a family, maybe let them know you’re stuck, but don’t let them call anyone either.

You’re staying the night. On the plus side? More soccer. On the minus side? Gonna have to wear the same clothes tomorrow without showering.