The ultimate guide to watching the World Cup at work

12. Ethan the person with the really loud keyboard

They’re bad enough when you’re on the phone with a client when the clicky-clacky-clack-click-clack is going on, but damn it, Ethan, I’m trying to watch the soccer. The British man said something, and I missed it because he has a fairly high-pitched voice that blends in with the sonic frequency of the keysmacks on the ergonomic apple monstrosity you insist on using. God I hate you.

The thing with sly video-watching is that you have to keep it at a low volume if you work in a place that doesn’t allow headphones. You could go volume-free, but that’s just not you. It needs to be loud enough for you to hear, but not loud enough to trip the alarms of someone else’s workspace personal security. So there’s a balance you have to keep.

The clack-clack-clickity-clickity starts and you have to turn it up. It stops? Then you have to swiftly turn it back down before anyone else notices. Back and forth. Back and forth. Over and over.

Eventually you get sloppy. Maybe you get lost in sending an email to a lead or your hands are away from the mouse while you pop your second excedrin. Regardless, your attention is elsewhere. That’s when Ethan pops up to grab a bottled water with a mini fridge. That’s when British Guy No. 3 yells “GOALLLLLLLL.” That’s when all attention turns to you.

The shame. The horror. All of it comes crashing down. That is, unless you steal Ethan’s keyboard and replace it with a felt pad. He won’t like it, and he’ll accuse you of doing it because you’ve done it before, but you just need to ride the storm for a bit. Eventually the World Cup will end, and you’ll give it back with a note that says “Let that be a lesson to you.”

It won’t be, but it’s fun to write notes sometimes.