The ultimate guide to watching the World Cup at work

11. Your friends

When you’re trying to surreptitiously flout company policy, ain’t no one your friend. Not no one. You gotta look out for number one. And you’re number one, right? Say it with me: “I am the most important person in the world. No one else matters, has mattered, or will matter. The universe begins and ends with me.”

Good. Narcissism is only narcissism if you aren’t actually the best. And you are. Great job.

Anyway, office relationships are often complex. Sure you can go out to get drinks or perhaps get married, but regardless of assumed personal connection you need to keep these people at arm’s length. Letting them in too close might make you start thinking you can share little secrets with them like what you do on company time.

The problem is, when you’re the best everyone is trying to be like you. When that inevitably fails, they start getting jealous and will inevitably try to take you down or take you out. People who are trying to get close to you are just trying to get ammunition, or trying to get you to bury yourself.

So when conversation turns to “Did you see the game today?” you need to stonewall. “No, Craig, I was doing my job.”

“Hey, I was just asking,” he’ll respond. He’ll then slink away knowing he’s been defeated.

Do not let these things go. Once one person knows you’re watching the World Cup, word will get around. Friendliness is just the most well-hidden type of sadism. Don’t be fooled.