Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. ICT is proud to be the only NHL column (un)officially sponsored by Jagermeister. There’s no colder take than taking a cold shot of Jager.
Disclaimer: This column is not officially affiliated with Jagermeister in any way (but if by chance a Jagermeister rep is reading this, I can be bought).
I’m so happy we don’t have to hear Erik Karlsson trade speculation anymore. Sure, I will gladly reap the benefits of the content it provided, but I’m also so damn sick of hearing about it.
Look. I’m not going to spend this entire time talking about Erik Karlsson. We spent the opener of last week’s column discussing the trade of a star defenseman and the last thing I want is to make that a regular occurrence.
FanSided NHL has covered every possible angle of EK’s trade to the Sharks. Read this, this and this to get caught up. If you are a Senators fan, skip over all of these and crawl back into that deep hole you’ve been digging for yourself.
That’s it for Karlsson, We’re done talking about it.
Erik Karlsson is probably the best d-man in the NHL. He is also the player most resembling a Pirates of the Caribbean cast member who forgot to return his fake mustache to the wardrobe department. “Oh look at this guy. Another pirate joke, so original. Sarcastic face emoji.”
Hey. First, that hurts. Second, what do you expect me to talk about when Jack Sparrow and Blackbeard are now playing on the same NHL team. You want some in-depth analysis on how good he is at hockey? Sure. “He’s really good.”
If you need more than that to know what kind of impact this deal has on the Western Conference, a subscription to The Athletic is currently 30% off. Okay, done with EK. MOVING ON.
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Erik Karlsson
Imagine thinking that we actually weren’t going to be talking about the Erik Karlsson trade through this entire column? No one on earth is happier to set sail from Ottawa than our man EK.
As someone funny on Twitter said, the only good thing the Ottawa Senators have going for them this year is that there is no relegation in the NHL. Here’s Senators general manager Pierre Dorion on the upcoming season:
https://twitter.com/BarSouthNCelly/status/1042211033794805760
Hardly, Pierre.
You earned this, Ottawa. Your stadium is about a three hour drive with additional hour dog-sled ride from the city center. Even if you go to the games, you’re all trash hockey fans. The inaccessibility, paired with the fact that they are now an OHL team means bad things for a city full of questionable hockey “fans.”
As (former) Sens fan Carly Macculloch said in the first quote of the above link: “Sens fans suck.”
The NHL and Jager Bombs
JAGER BOOOOOMBS! The NHL announced it’s partnership with popular blackout-inducing liquor Jagermeister on Tuesday, prompting a round of shots for everyone involved.
https://twitter.com/JagermeisterUSA/status/1042157991712227328/
There are a long list of liquors that many of us avoid, especially after college, but there’s something about a Jager bomb that makes it hard to say no to. Rare night out at the bar? Jager bomb to get things going. Meeting old friends for a night out? Jager bomb to bring you back to the good ol’ days. Celebrating your three year old’s birthday party with other parents? You guessed it, break out that green bottle.
Now, you can celebrate the NHL by slamming shots of deer blood with your buddies while supporting the league. When your significant other asks why you’re crushing Jager bombs on a Tuesday night, you tell them it’s because you’re a hockey fan! Not an alcoholic!
Has anyone else heard the deer blood thing, or was that just a rumor passed around in Northern Ontario high schools?
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Alex Killorn of the Tampa Bay Lightning is clearly woke about the NFL’s new GOAT, Ryan FitzMagic. He recently supported his fellow Tampa Bay resident while addressing the media during preseason festivities.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn4QNv7lQbl/
The jersey is spot on, the glasses are spot on, the chain is a little less flashy than his NFL counterpart, but we’ll give him a pass because hockey is about grit and a big-ass silver chain is gritty. The only thing missing from this outfit is the beard, which Killorn will have plenty of time to grow in next year’s playoffs. Until the Lightning are knocked out by the Boston Bruins, that is.
Here’s the original look, for comparative purposes and because it’s so amazing:
https://twitter.com/SportsCenter/status/1041441410443091968
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Jalen Ramsey
Yes, I know he was joking. I was not upset at Ramsey’s comments about being able to play in the NHL within six months, because I like him and I thought they were quite funny. But the fact of the matter is, they are wildly untrue. This video sums up how the NHL might look after Ramsey finishes his six-month training.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnyvnXLB4iX/
What’s more important than talking about what an NFL corner back said about hockey is watching him and the Jaguars defense back his football trash-talk on the field. How bad did Rob Gronkowski look on Sunday? Yikes. That guy sucks.
Edit: Jalen Ramsey could probably play for the Ottawa Senators.
Summer
Summer is over. Did you do all of those awesome things you said you were going to do? Probably not. Neither did Phil.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn2HGoOlgeN/
Patrice Bergeron
OBVIOUSLY I’m not writing anything bad about Patrice Bergeron or anything under his control. He’s perfect in every sense of the word. The only reason he finds himself in the down trend this week is because he missed out on what looked like an amazing time with his line-mates in China.
While Bergeron stayed home to rest up for the season, the other two players on hockey’s best line were bonding on the great wall of China. Look at this and tell me again how you hate Brad Marchand, you monsters.
The Boston Bruins recent visit to China was amazing and they now have an additional 1.379 billion fans, making them the most popular team in the NHL.
That’s all for this week. Next week’s column will feature an NHL gambling preview for the season, as the betting section of this column returns the week after. Get ready to make some money, because I’m already feeling hot this year.
Keep your head up.