So with media members like Lee Jenkins, Brent Barry, and Sean Derenthal getting hired by some NBA teams, it occurred to me that since I’m really good at everything that maybe I should see what opportunities are out there for me in the world of professional basketball. I crafted a cover letter, and went to Ian Levy (great guy) since he is my editor to see if he would mind looking it over. The conversation went something like this:
"Me: “Hey Ian, would you mind editing my cover letter?”Ian: “Matt. I tell you this once a week. I’m your editor on this website only. For the pieces you submit for publication only. It’s not a life position. I have not been assigned to correct your grammar or spelling on your emails, lawsuits, or text messages by some cosmic dictatorial force. Please leave me alone. I have an actual job.”Me: “Okay, I’m going to submit it as a piece, and then you’ll have to look at it.”"
So that’s what’s happening here. I also figure a bit of crowdsourcing on what I should leave out or include wouldn’t go amiss. If you have any ideas, please let me know.
Dear Sir or Ma’am Whom It May Concern Regarding Basketball,
Hi!
Anyways, in case you didn’t know by the various business cards and drawings on/in the envelope containing this sheet of paper (with writing on it), my name is Matt Rutkowski. I’m applying for whatever position you might be able to make available for me. If you have to create something new, I’m okay with that too. How you wish to go about it is entirely up to you.
That is an example of how flexible I can be as a person and as an employee. If you have a highlighter on you, that would be a very good passage to highlight.
Also, that last paragraph should clarify the kind of ideas person I am. I like to think of myself as a conceptualizer. Some people say that having ideas is not nearly as valuable as putting those ideas into action and working at them tirelessly. I disagree. I’m sure you have other people on staff who can do stuff. I’m thinking I’d be best off in a comfy room with a couch where I can just let my thoughts roam free like dairy cows who finally knocked over that pesky wooden fence and meandered their way to nirvana.
But, on the off chance you do want me to do work, here are some examples of some things I can do:
Basketball.
This is a shirt design I did. Here are some of its best qualities:
It’s accurate.
It’s only one color, so printing should be quick and cheap.
Cannibalism is IN right now.
I can design shirts like this for you. And I will. Whether you want me to or not.
But maybe you want the pictures to move.
Then check that out. Remember way back in the past the time D’Angelo Russell wanted to high-five his teammate, but he didn’t get a high-five back, so he had to high-five himself? Remember that? That’s what this depicts.
But you see, this is actually meant to be a take off of Diamond Dallas Page’s WCW intro. I’m really clever because DDP’s theme was called “Self High-Five” so it’s, like, doubly awesome if you were into professional wrestling during the Monday Night Wars. You probably were. If you’re in a position to hire someone, I would hope you have at least a base knowledge of people like Mick Foley, Al Snow, and the like.
This is the good stuff right here. This is a video I did of a baby minecraft cow dancing and singing. It goes on for an hour.
And that’s original music. That’s right. I’m a musician too. I do it all.
But enough about stuff. Let’s talk numbers. Back in grade school, I used to win math competitions all the time. I checked with a few of my friends, and it turns out that that translates pretty seamlessly to a detailed knowledge of the salary cap. I’ll do some word association with myself to prove it.
- “Steph Curry” – Good contract
- “Joakim Noah” – Bad contract.
- “Timofey Mozgov” – Bad contract.
- “Dwight Howard” – Bad bad bad bad bad. Just bad. No. (Sean Marks, if you’re reading this please ignore this part. Thank you.)
I know different offices often have different colors of post-it notes. That is not a problem for me. I can make use of any color at a well above average mark.
That isn’t my best work, but it’s close.
I know all the words to the instrumental version of “My Heart Will Go On.”
I have two cats that I need to buy food and care for. If you don’t give me a job the cats are going to die of starvation and empathetic grief. I don’t want them to die, but it’s not really my call.
This is Fiona. She is less than a year old. She likes chewing on things that are expensive and playing with bags. Boxes not so much, but if there is a bag around you can bet she’ll find her way in it. She also likes having food to eat and not dying.
This is Teddy, which is short for Teddy Bear. He likes to cuddle with you and eat your food if you’re not paying attention. He’s basically the best cat in the world. He and Fiona don’t have a lot in common, but he also likes having food to eat and not dying.
Well, that’s about all I have of myself to advertise, but luckily it’s a lot. I hope to hear back from y’all (I lived in North Carolina for eight months, so I can say that) soon.
Please don’t kill my cats.
Best regards,
Matt Rutkowski
If any of you have contacts with very important people, please pass this along to them. I mean, I like my current job, but the world owes me more. I mean look at me:
Basketball. All right. Good.