Ice Cold Takes: We don’t deserve how effortlessly Phil Kessel defies hockey logic

Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. Voted best NHL column by Gritty’s second cousin Steve, who lives in a dumpster near the Wells Fargo Center in Philly.

What a week in the NHL. It’s been 24 days since Gritty’s inception and he still isn’t in a jail cell, which is truly astonishing, given that hardly any Philly native goes that long with at least a trip to the drunk tank.

The league action is heating up and according to Canadian media, the Toronto Maple Leafs have already won the Stanley Cup. They made these claims during the Dion Phaneuf era as well, though, which goes to show you how seriously you should be taking them.

The Carolina Hurricanes are surprisingly good and surprisingly fun! They do this thing after wins (which they are getting a bunch of) where they all skate the length of the ice and crash into the boards as a team. Don’t know what the point is, but it looks fun! As long as Sebastian Aho is on this team, they will continue looking “Aho” lot better than they have been in the past.

Trending Up

1. David Pastrnak

David Pastrnak is ridiculous. The young Bruins forward is already an elite player in the NHL and deserves a bit more recognition than he is getting. Here’s visual evidence as to why.

Pasta put some sauce on that one! How many dangles can you do inside a phone booth, good lord. Thoughts and prayers go out to Cam Talbot after this borderline offensive play. As if this wasn’t nice enough, Pasta went and got himself a hattrick in the next game.

2. Auston Matthews

6ix God Auston Matthews is pretty good at hockey. His 10 goals on 22 shots put him in the mix with the Toronto Raptors players for best shooting percentage in the city. Matthews is currently on pace for 117 goals this season. Matthews isn’t surprised, he’s been here before.

Matthews is pretty damn good at hockey. Chances are, his offensive output is going to continue to be very good (perhaps to a slightly lesser degree, but still). Imagine if child GM Kyle Dubas had planned the money a little better to get William Nylander signed and back on his line? Typical millennials wanting things they can’t afford.

3. Phil Kessel

Doesn’t train all summer. Mucks hot dogs constantly (allegedly). “Doesn’t care enough.” It doesn’t matter. Phil isn’t here for any of your flack. He’s here to score breakaway beauties.

This three-goal performance came after switching his stick in last Thursday’s game against the Vegas Golden Knights. A game in which you’ll remember, we bet the Knights. Pittsburgh rode to a 4-2 win on the back of Phil the thrill.

Just like his summer, this is nothing special. Same old s**t. Phil gives it to you real and we’ll love him forever for that. Could Phil win the Hart Trophy? The Rocket Richard? No, probably not, but it’s fun to think about.

4. Johnny Hockey

We’re focused on the positive this week, which is why Johnny Hockey took the unprecedented fourth spot in the upwards trends this week with his pre-goal celebration before potting the game winner against the Colorado Avalanche.

Watch the final replay in the clip, even Flames goaltender David Rittich knew this one was over before the puck went in. This is next level confidence and displays the flare that this younger generation of players is currently playing with. Hockey is in a good place.

Trending down

1. Brandon Carlo

Oh boy. Brandon Carlo is out here looking like he just learned how to skate, but not very well. Granted, he’s been playing fine, but here’s a look at his attempt at scoring his

first of the season

first in over 580 days.

Whoops. Poor guy. To be fair, it was a tough angle. To be unfair, the shot was wider than it was long. You just know he was way too excited to score his first goal in two years and then he didn’t.

Don’t feel bad for Brandon. He was in good spirits about it after the game, saying that at least everyone got a laugh out of it and that his old teammates used to call him Bambi. When Carlo gets that elusive goal, expect fireworks in this column.

2. Panic! At The Disco

Fallout Boy, Imagine Dragons, Nickelback and all of the other mid-2000’s rock bands that the NHL loves to keep employed through pregame performances are all about to be put on notice. Robots can now physically play music.

Could you imagine if someone told the NHL promotions department that they could get these sweet robots to play Panic! At The Disco? Oh my god, that would end it all, right there. The pregame concerts would last longer than the games themselves.

Even better, they could hang these guys in the rafters and lower them each intermission to hit us with a medley of “Dance Dance,” “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” and “Believer” before being put away again until the next commercial break.

Betting with Bruin (0-2)

Well the betting section is off to a predictable start. Turns out that paying attention to the schedules would have shown that Vegas was playing the back-end of a double-header and that the Panthers were starting back-up goaltender, “Mr. Hot-and-Cold” James Reimer. Let’s leave last week behind us and try to get back to .500.

Lock: Bruins vs. Flames OVER – The Bruins are scoring at a ridiculous clip right now and the over for this game is at 6 goals. The Flames have scored three or more goals in all but one game this season. The Bruins are averaging over four per game. Hammer this.

Upset: Islanders (+125) to beat the Ducks – The Anaheim Ducks are playing great hockey right now but Matt Barzal is one of the best looking dudes in the NHL. Don’t bet against a dude that good looking, ever. Double your cah by taking the over in this game as well.

Bring us home, Ryan!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BoFnn7Ah5gE/

I love that clip so much. Until next week, keep your head up!

Odds presented by Oddsshark.