Ice-Cold Takes: Gritty grits, the butt goal and Smashville’s meaningless banners

Ice-Cold Takes is a humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. ICT was recently awarded the banner for best Eastern Conference regular season NHL humor column.

The hockey season hit us like a puck to the face this week and we couldn’t be happier. This NHL season has already been action packed with thrilling games, fights, goals and banner raising ceremonies (more on that later).

The Boston Bruins top line has already been dubbed the best line in hockey and they have solidified that spot early in the season. The Bruins organization should raise a banner for these three. That being said, there’s another team that is currently claiming the all-around offensive powerhouse banner.

The Toronto Maple Leafs offense as a whole is ridiculous. Their power play is ridiculous. Everything about their group of forwards is ridiculous. The Leafs earn the banner for best offense through the first three games, led by Auston Matthews’ ridiculous 7 goals.

(Brad Marchand has 7 assists, which is better than 7 goals because he isn’t a selfish puck-hog like Matthews).

You may have notice a trend early in this column. Here’s why everyone gets a banner.

Trending up

1. The Nashville Predators

Congratulations to your regular season Western Conference champions. Did they actually win the Western Conference? Not really. Did they make it to the Western Conference final? No. Were they the Western Conference regular season champions? You bet your a$$ they were.

Can I copy your homework? Sure just make it different:

Listen up, Smashville. You were one of the coolest franchises in all of sports right up until the cables started raising these banners to the roof of your raucous barn. Here’s a quick tip for you, banners are for Cups. Sure, raise a single banner for a division championship if you have nothing else on the ceiling but that is it. No exceptions.

What you did here was take three banners with the exact same implications and raise them on three different nights, wasting everyone’s time and making you the laughing stock of the league. Winnipeg now owns you, I hope you see that.

2. Benny the Labrador

If you know this column, you know that a good dog playing hockey will always make it into the trending up section. Here’s your first good dog of the 2018-19 season.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Boaucm2BtGy/

Atta boy, Benny! Look at you go! Full disclosure: Benny is a far better skater than I am. It is not even close. Benny is the first of many good hockey dogs this season. It’s good to see that this odd trend continues among dogs and their owners.

3. Our BOY Phil Kessel

If you know this column, you know that we cover 100% of off-ice Phil Kessel news at all times. This recent video is an omen of great things to come for out favorite hot dog-loving Penguin.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BobwID9g9CWLaEZKs4ZotIZRlIhNqZFanhwVmM0/

THE Soulja boy has blessed Phil Cassel [sic] with a happy birthday wish. No matter how many times we’ve all heard it, or how irrelevant Boy has become, he still says “you” cooler than anyone on Earth.

Phil is off to an incredible start to the NHL season, with *checks stats* lots of positive vibes bestowed upon his teammates.

Trending down

1. a) Gritty’s actual face

KEEP THE MASK ON! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE KEEP THE MASK ON.

1. b) Ocean animals.

Gritty continues his path, hell-bent for destruction. This mascot has surpassed the Philadelphia Flyers and is now an international superstar. The Flyers are going to have to look for another new mascot, because theirs is booked solid with late night TV appearances and guest spots.

When he isn’t busy being a celebrity, he’s terrorizing ocean creatures that he apparently hates very much.

2. Players who commit penalties in Dallas

The penalty box brings enough shame as it is but try spending two minutes in the pit of misery!

If you are unfamiliar with the term, you either skip commercials or don’t live in Buffalo. Bud Light’s “Dilly Dilly” medieval campaign was a hit among football fans and the beer giant has decided to bring it to hockey.

Unfortunately for the players, they won’t be able to enjoy a delicious, cold, crisp Bud Light while spending two minutes in the pit (If you’re reading this, Bud Light, I’m open to sponsorship).

Speaking of Dilly Dilly, Tre White of the Buffalo Bills could probably play goaltender for the Philadelphia Flyers. Lord knows they need one and his blocker skills here are pretty impressive.

3. Butt goals

Butts are great, butt fumbles are awesome, but (haha) have we ever seen a butt goal before? The answer is no. We still haven’t seen a butt goal because this goal didn’t count.

Betting on Bruin

That’s a catchy name, right? To recap from last season, we went 100% and won thousands of dollars in the betting section of the column. Everyone was happy and no one’s wife was upset with them when they lost money.

Lock: Florida Panthers (-125) over Columbus Blue Jackets – No one needs a jacket in Florida. It’s always warm there.

Upset: Vegas Golden Knights (+165) over Pittsburgh Penguins – Lost so many bets against the Knights last season that we’re going to start betting on them every week. That\s how gambling works.

That concludes our official banner raising NHL column. Congratulations to this column on the ultimate display of mediocrity.

Keep your head up.

Odds presented by Oddsshark.