Bachelor in Paradise season 6 premiere: No more Mr. Nice Guy

Former Bachelor and Bachelorette cast members gathered in Mexico to give love another chance on Bachelor in Paradise season 6.

Now that you’ve been cast callously aside by the bachelor or bachelorette, what are you going to do? You’re headed south of the border to Mexico to extend your 15 minutes of fame on Bachelor in Paradise.

While Bachelor in Paradise can boast a few success stories (engagements, weddings, babies), it’s mainly a paid vacation, during which participants are encouraged to risk rejection and hook up as quickly as possible or be banished from Eden forever (or until next season). If that’s not the formula for a successful long-term relationship, I’m not sure what is.

I’ll admit I’m a Jenny-come-lately to the entire franchise, so many of the faces this season aren’t familiar to me. Even some of the more-recent contestants from Colton Underwood’s (season 23) and Hannah Brown’s (season 15) televised series of public humiliations were long forgotten before the final rose (sorry, Jane and Kevin).

So far, season 6 is all about Blake, who was the runner-up on season 14 of The Bachelorette. Apparently, Blake’s been making up for lost time by trying to bed as many former contestants as possible. Going into the premiere, we learn the real drama has been taking place off-screen.

But before Blake is outed as a nice guy in wolf’s clothing, he goes on the first date of the season with Tayshia. Tayshia’s no stranger to heartbreak, having been unceremoniously dumped by Colton after he jumped a fence over Cassie Randolph.

Blake’s choice comes as a shock to, well, everyone who spends day one watching him flirt shamelessly with Hannah G. (Colton’s season) all day. Everyone figures girl — and I say this because she doesn’t look old enough to vote — has Blake on lockdown.

This is great news for Dylan — a Hannah B. cast-off — who already has an unhealthy obsession with Hannah G., and the two wind up making out. But we all know Dylan’s in for a world of hurt.

Back to Blake, who is on his way to becoming the MVP D-bag of season 6 thanks to the arrival of Caelynn (The Bachelor season 23) who hooked up with Blake at Stagecoach, only to learn he’d just been with Kristina (Nick Viall’s season), who was part of a love triangle on Bachelor in Paradise season 4.

Blake makes Caelynn promise to keep her mouth shut about their time together once they get to Mexico, and shockingly, she doesn’t call him out straight from the jump.

Obviously, the Machiavellian casting directors at ABC need to be working as vetters at the White House because they know how to dig deep for the best dirt. While there are a lot of question marks when it comes to guaranteeing a water-cooler worthy season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, the powers that be aren’t taking their chances when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.

While people and situations are being manipulated behind-the-scenes on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, the scheming is as obvious as John Paul Jones’ (Hannah B.’s season, ahem, bulge in his Speedo when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise. This is why it’s so shocking that Blake would think for a minute his secret is safe with Caelynn.

But just to make sure absolutely nothing is left to chance, Kristina arrives hell-bent on exacting revenge.

Bachelor Nation just finished watching Hannah B. get played by Jed Wyatt, and her promising rebound romance with runner-up, Tyler Cameron, derailed by a supermodel. Now, there’s already a serpent slithering around in paradise. Women of America have to be asking themselves, “Are there any nice guys left?”

When Blake — the human equivalent of vanilla pudding — can’t keep it in his pants, and we’re left with the likes of Cam (Hannah B.’s season), something is terribly wrong. In fact, most of the guys are a veritable who’s who of dysfunction.

There’s Derek (JoJo Fletcher’s season) who got engaged to Taylor Nolan on Bachelor in Paradise season 4, but the couple broke things off. Clay (Becca’s season), who was sidelined after an injury, just got out of a relationship and, according to Annaliese (Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s season), he’s not even close to being over his ex. There’s also Chris Bukowski, who appeared not only on Emily Maynard’s and Andi Dorfman’s seasons of The Bachelorette, but also showed up for Bachelor Pad season 3 and Bachelor in Paradise seasons 1 and 2. He’s back after “almost” getting engaged (whatever that means).

There is an upside to this oddly incestuous tropical mess: Demi (Colton’s season) will be exploring her sexual fluidity, using paradise as a thermometer to determine which pool she’s going to dive into. It’s long overdue that the franchise branches out from its formulaic, fantastical ideas about love and explore a same-sex romance.

Who knows how this will all play out, but let’s hope Blake’s game gets snuffed out like a bag of burning poo on a front porch.

Who are the biggest villains from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? Let us know in the comments section below.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.