Andy Reid deserves an Applebee’s decal on his face shield

Andy Reid is so good at calling plays, he doesn’t need to see through his face shield to do it.

Fogging up like a plastic bag full of White Castles, Reid showed us what putting in the good work ahead of Junk Food Friday looks like. It’s finer than your finest Tommy Bahama.

The fact Reid can’t coach in an NFL Tommy Bahama is dumber than the Kansas Jayhawks having their headsets sponsored by Raising Cane’s. With four items on the menu, why do they suck at taking orders?

The fact Andy Reid isn’t sponsored by Applebee’s should disgust you.

Big Red waited a long time to win a Super Bowl, but he’s waited even longer to get free riblets for life. Though he might be more of a cheeseburger guy, Reid should sell out more than KISS and treat his face shield like it’s the No. 43 car or Post Malone‘s tatted face. “If you ain’t first, you’re last” and if the Bobbys can have a “nice” family meal at Applebee’s, Reid should eat for free.

Gardner Minshew and the Jacksonville Jaguars crashed your Survivor Pool Party.

We were so dumb. We put our mortgage on Philip Rivers and the Indianapolis Colts to beat Gardner Minshew and the Jacksonville Jaguars.

As it turns out, 21st Century Ken Stabler crashed our Survivor Pool Party with faded shorts and a mustache that would make a wolverine purr. I’m not sure if Minshew is the long lost son of Snake, but my God, was he utterly magnificent or what?

With the second-most fans in attendance at a game this week, Duval was rocking harder than a Limp Bizkit concert with D.J. Jason Mendoza opening for them. It’s a shame he died before he could use all the teal tattoo ink in North Florida to cover his entire body with Minshew’s likeness.

Nannerpuss must love Trent Williams because he loves pancakes!

Nannerpuss loves pancakes. By the transitive property, Nannerpuss must love Trent Williams because he too loves pancakes. Who knew there was going to be a bidding war for Williams when it comes to pancake sponsorships?

It’s coming down to Denny’s and IHOP.

How Williams’ Washington tenure ended was bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Nobody has been happier to leave Washington than Williams since Kirk Cousins to the Twin Cities.

The Dude of the Week, man: I tell you what, man. This Josh Jacobs guy. He’s pretty good, man.

Hey, Mike. Have a seat real quick. I tell you what, man. You were right about that Josh Jacobs guy. He said he was pretty good at Alabama, but I haven’t seen a Crimson Tide look this good in Silver and Black since Snake. He made Derek look good today, so his older brother can praise him like he should on The NFL Network.

I tell you what, man. I was at Hooters last night drinking some Coronas through my mask. It was a good time, man. But yeah, I wasn’t sure if we were going to beat Matt Ja Rhule‘s team. I was sweating like Jordan Peele, looking like Dana Holgorsen heading into halftime, but that Josh Jacobs guy, he’s always on time.

Jeff Fisher 7-9 B.S.: Detroit Lions headbutt, drop game-winners and lose to Mitchell Trubisky.

It would take a Motown Miracle for this team to achieve most sacred Jeff Fisher 7-9 B.S. When healthy, it is their zenith, as Matthew Stafford has still yet to beat a good team in 12 years. As it turns out, the Detroit Lions needed more cats and not Dawgs to win in Week 1.

Can we call it the Annual Mark Richt Letdown Game or do we call it another Matt Patricia Sunday?

When you let a Camry-driving, overdrafted, soon-to-be free agent man give off the illusion he’s good at his job, then you’re terrible at yours. The sword remains mightier than the No. 2 pencil behind this dead Belichickian branch’s ears. We’ve got former Ex-Pats who can’t even use their head correctly to get a referee’s attention. When you try to be a G.O.A.T., you just end up a goat.

So what did we learn this week?

If you’re a Big Dawg, you gotta eat riblets, pancakes or White Castles to achieve appropriate sponsorships. Just don’t drop the ball in the end zone and lose to Mitchell Trubisky at home because you will be judged. You can also look like Ken Stabler or Dana Holgorsen imitators, but as long as you just win on Sunday, you can do whatever you want, baby.

Moral of the story: It is better to be the one who eats the pancake than be the pancake. Buhler out.