NFL

Bill Belichick and Jon Gruden are birds trapped in coaches’ bodies

Bill Belichick and Jon Gruden revealed themselves as birds through masks.

How you wear your mask says everything about you, and Bill Belichick and Jon Gruden are birds.

It took about three weeks now, for us to see their faces for what they really are. We had an idea the Evil Empire was run by a wise old owl, but hoo are we kidding? He intimidated the Seattle Seahawks last week with his bird doctor mask. As for Gruden, he’s an old crow and there will be a medicine show after the New England Patriots rocked you like a Wagon Wheel in Week 3, man.

The Birds will share this lonely view will Chucky and Darth Sidious.

It’s only fitting on the old crow’s return to The Hoodie’s Foxborough Hot Tub that things would get out of control, man. Though not as out of control as Darth Sidious‘ wardrobe at mid-week press conferences, his sweatshirt had more holes in it than the Las Vegas Raiders defense. But then again, Belichick is a wise owl who had some pecking to do around his collar during yard work.

This is Buhler’s Way Off…
Big Nick is the reason DQ Specials are ending in Atlanta

Big Nick was hungry boy today. He saw the delicious Atlanta Falcons defense that smelled of lemon pepper wings. For the love of god and all things holy, this is the last DQ Special in the history of The ATL. So you’re telling me there’s a chance?

With back-to-back, 99-percent chances of winning the last two weeks, it’s literally one in a million that DQ Special created this craptastic masterpiece. The Bears are now officially the softest 3-0 team in NFL history. This is more impressive than the Green Bay Packers going 13-3 last season. I’m not saying it’s time to build a Nick Foles statue outside of Solider Field, but it’s statue time.

B.K. Metcalf Leon Lett them Cowboys have it there way in the Bird Gauntlet

When you play them Dallas Cowboys in the Bird Gauntlet, you do Cowboys things in the Bird Gauntlet. Despite Mr. Unlimited throwing a beautiful dime to D.K. Metcalf, he became B.K. Metcalf on the worst touchback in the history of football. B.K. is short for Burger King because Metcalf had it his way, and it ended horribly.

Too bad you can’t find a better man than B.K. Metcalf to not screw up your perfect touchdown order. Is this the sound of settling Ben Gibbard talked about?

The Dude of the Week, Man: Ryan Fitzpatrick epitomizes Floridian Big Dad Energy

Dressed like a man ready to go on a shoot for films you can’t show the kids, Ryan Fitzpatrick was halfway to Ted Turner on his festive shirt. With a bountiful harvest of chest hair, he became FitzMagical. He defeated Gardner Minshew in The Battle of the Razor’s Edge and didn’t have to shave his face. Instead, he rocked the Senior Citizen Look and told his wife to put the kids to bed.

Fitzpatrick only threw two incomplete passes on Thursday night. His beard never looked better. This was triumphant magnificence dressed to a T. If you have the stones to dress like this, you do. But you don’t, because you’re not greatest quarterbacking genius of our lifetimes. We can’t all be most glorious heroes like him.

Jeff Fisher 7-9 B.S.: Doug Pederson cares more about his hair than winning football games.

If you’ve ever worn a visor, you aspire to have the hair of Doug Pederson. It’s well-kempt and perfectly parted. It gives off the vibe of suave and debonair. Too bad those words are synonyms and the Philadelphia Eagles don’t have single win through for three weeks. Because Pederson was all about his hair, he opted to punt in the final seconds of overtime vs. the Cincinnati Bengals.

When you tie the Bengals, you didn’t take care of business. Technically, you can’t actually be Jeff Fisher 7-9 B.S. because ties aren’t American, but you get my point. The Eagles are already gone, having lived life in the fast lane for far too long. There’s gonna be heartache tonight, as the Birds took it easy and almost lost a game, which is worse, as ties are reserved for association football.

So what did we learn this week? Anything at all? We learned that facial hair is more important than regular ole hair that grows out of the top of your head. We learned that even though Dan Quinn claims to be a bird, he’s not really a bird at all. He wants to be a Falcon, but that’s becoming a nightmare. Belichick is an owl, Gruden is an old crow and B.K. Metcalf is trying to be an osprey.

Birds of a feather may flock together, but when you continue to blow leads, you’ll lose your wings.