Sickos Unite! Iowa-Northwestern will be a beautiful disaster to make your eyes bleed
By John Buhler
Northwestern at Iowa will be the pinnacle of Big Ten West energy for all the wrong reasons.
When 311 penned “Beautiful Disaster,” the Omaha quintet had Northwestern at Iowa in mind.
The fact this is not airing at 11:00 a.m. local time on the Big Ten Network should disgust you to your core. But with it being a 2:30 p.m. kick, you will have plenty of time to pound some Old Styles, take a few shots of Malört and polish off an entire large pie from Lou Malnati’s all by yourself to achieve the same effect. Borderline comatose is the feeling you will get from watching this game.
With it going up against the Cocktail Party on CBS, ESPN presents to you, Borderline Comatose.
There is serious self-loathing, and then there’s this Northwestern at Iowa game
After the first quarter, all Kinnick patrons who are still somehow awake will be waving to the kids at the nearby children’s hospital the number of first downs it will take to win this game. Safety first, as in that will be the first points scored in this game. If the final score does not resemble the White Sox playing in a cornfield of the 5-3 variety, we riot once we wake up from our food comas!
Northwestern has succumbed to the Nebraska flu it contracted over in Dublin. It is a curable disease that many thought had been eradicated from the globe since the late 20th century, but here we are. This does not change the fact that Wildcats head coach Pat Fitzgerald is going to the hall of fame … twice, first as a player and eventually as a head coach. They’re so smart, it’s stupid.
Fate would have it, another preventable disease is plaguing the Hawkeyes over in Iowa City. Nepotism can be avoided, but the Ferentzes are dealing with a bad bout of that. Brian has more gold stars on the fridge this year than the Hawkeyes have first downs on the season. Even at 3-4, his dad Kirk still thinks he is doing a fantastic job. Brian is proof that C’s, and even D’s, do get degrees.
Look, it doesn’t matter who wins this game, both of these teams are horrific. The fact this is being shown on ESPN and not behind a paywall means Disney wants to forever corrupt the souls of Middle America. When the youths age out of cartoons, this is how you get them back. May the punter on the “winning” team be a first-ballot Hall of Famer and bring home the Ray Guy Award.
Whatever the point total is here, bet your 401k on the under, as Santa Claus is coming to town!
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