During his May 4 episode of Last Week Tonight, host John Oliver, a Brit who's adopted the New York Mets as his baseball fandom, dedicated his closing segment to the wild and wacky world of Minor League Baseball.
The Minor Leagues are infamous for having some ridiculous team names — the Hub City Spartanburgers (High-A, Texas Rangers), the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp (Triple-A, Miami Marlins), the Rocket City Trash Pandas (Double-A, Los Angeles Angels) — and fun gimmicks and theme nights to get fans in seats. (Anyone wanna come with me to the Brooklyn Cyclones' Seinfeld Night? They're giving out Kramer bobbleheads.)
Oliver lauded a few of them, including some of the teams named above, but took aim at others "boringly named after their Major League affiliate" — the Worcester Red Sox and Iowa Cubs among them.
For those "disappointing" teams, Oliver threw out an offer: Give him and his staff complete, uninterrupted, unquestioned creative control over a full, free rebrand, and they would "do this in the spirit of your team, city and the league to which you belong."
This is, objectively, an incredible offer. Oliver promised no repeats of the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes' Chaquetas incident or the Chesapeake Baysox's Oyster Catchers incident (if you don't know, just Google it) and a probably ridiculous but still earnest rebrand. Someone has to take him up on this. Here are some MiLB teams who need it the most.
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Altoona Curve (Double-A, Pittsburgh Pirates)
There's a lot wrong with the Pirates' organization, sure, and the name of their 14-16 Double-A team is the least of their worries, but come on: naming your team after a literal railroad curve finished in 1854? No disrespect to the lovely people of Altoona or the guys who were responsible for building said curve, which is a national landmark, but we can do better here. Their alternative moniker, the ... Brookies (?), is also a swing and a miss. There's a famous chili dog place in downtown Altoona! We could riff all day long on that.
Binghamton Rumble Ponies (Double-A, New York Mets)
Admittedly, the name Rumble Ponies is already very funny, and Oliver even singled them out in his segment and gave them top marks. One of their alts, the Bathtub Donkeys, is also pretty good. The issue here is that the logo, a rather self-serious armored horse, doesn't match up with the name. If you're going to call a team the Rumble Ponies, lean into that one all the way. Let's go full cutesy, maybe get Hasbro and My Little Pony in for a bobblehead night.
Stockton Ports (Single-A, Athletics)
Similar to the Altoona Curve, we just can't be naming our Minor League teams after landmarks. It lacks the joy and whimsy that should really just be codified in MiLB policy at this point, and it's just a little too on the nose. Now, to be fair, it wasn't easy for a non-Stockton native like myself to figure out what Stockton is notable for, outside of the port. But ... they have an asparagus festival? There's gotta be a joke in there somewhere.
Literally the entirety of the Cardinals' Minor League system
Some farm systems really nailed their names. The Marlins have the Jumbo Shrimp, Blue Wahoos, Sky Carp and Hammerheads. The Phillies have the IronPigs, Fightin Phils, BlueClaws and Threshers. There are only a few who have misses across the board, and the Cardinals might be the worst of them: Three out of four are either just the Cardinals or some variation of "Cardinals," and the odd men out are the Peoria Chiefs.
This is, admittedly, characteristic of the Cardinals, who are boring — but their Minor League teams don't have to be. Oliver could even get crazy with this one, maybe extend his offer to the entire system after taking in how boring these names are. At least one of them needs to raise their hands this instant.