Ah. Whew. What a long day at the glove factory. You know, I know they say, "If you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life," and I mostly agree. But sometimes, these 24-hour shifts stitching lace and bounding leather can just ... really get you. At least it's finally 4:58 PM. Just two minutes 'til freedom. I'm going to stare at that phone, just to really make sure it doesn't ring.
[Phone rings]
Dammit.
Hello? Gloves Unlimited. You have an idea, we put it on a glove, no questions asked. No request too big, no penmanship too small. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?
[Somehow, Intense Background Music SFX can be heard from the other line. It's so loud it's leaking through the receiver.]
You need what? You need it when? And you need it how? Sir, we --
[Matt Strahm yelling, "We don't have much time!" can be heard blaring from the other end of the call.]
Sorry, Mr. Cage. Wait, who? Mr. Strahm? Ok, wait, back up a second. Are you playing your own movie soundtrack audio in the background? Is that really necessary?
You're right. Of course it is, Senator -- Mr. Strahm. Sorry, I am all over the place. It's 4:59 local time.
Look, this can be done. But you need a madman to do it. I know off the top of my head that the Declaration of Independence is 1,320 words long — 1,337 if you include its title. You wouldn't want to include its title, now, would you?
[Shouting on the other end somehow gets louder.]
For more news and rumors, check out MLB Insider Robert Murray’s work on The Baseball Insiders podcast, subscribe to The Moonshot,our weekly MLB newsletter, and join the discord to get the inside scoop during the MLB season.
Ok, ok, Phillies reliever Matt Strahm, we will try to make your custom Declaration of Independence glove! You don't have to curse in olde English.
Sorry. Of course. Look, here's what I can do. I can get my best calligraphers and leathermen on it. I can tan the hide myself. I'll lather on on the protective repellant that makes certain fans can't rip the glove (Mike Trout's No. 1 regret). I can oversee the execution, stem to stern. But I'm just not sure I can guarantee you all 27 colonial grievances against King George III can be concluded.
24 grievances? Sure, I've seen it before. Mike Yastrzemski has those on his batting gloves. 25 grievances? You're really pushing it, but maybe I can mess with the sizing. But 27? You're writing checks your equipment can't cash. And, by the way, is this supposed to be glove-colored? MLB's going to triple the cost in fines — unless you do the Constitution. That's an MLB-approved founding document.
WAIT. Before you take your business elsewhere, tell me one thing: Have you looked in your locker yet? Yes, in the last 10 or 15 minutes. I'll wait.
Exactly. There you have it. I foresaw that your order was coming, and I created a Declaration glove myself days ago, just as you eventually specified. Because I'm damn good at my job, Mr. Strahm. That's why.
And, before you ask, yes, I'll have the custom Ghost Rider glove there next week, too. Sleep well, Mr. Cage.